To poke a wood fire is more solid enjoyment than almost anything else in the world. ~Charles Dudley Warner

Almost 4 years ago (technically 3 years and 11 months) Joe and I took Taelin on our first overnight trip.  We went to Seaside for the weekend when Taelin was 6 months old and I remember worrying about it for days. Would I remember everything I was supposed to?  What would I do if she woke up in the middle of night I couldn't get her calmed down?  Would I even get her to sleep to begin with?

So when the friends we went with suggested that we do a fire down at the beach later in the evening, I found myself with a whole bunch of things that I hadn't even time to worry about!  We walked the block to the beach and after a bit, had a pretty good fire going.  It was my first beach fire and while I loved it, there was a part of me that felt horrible about taking Taelin out that late, etc, etc.  I have been wanting to do a beach fire again since that trip and it just never seemed to work out.

Right now there are somewhere around 6-7 guys (including Joe) all sitting in our house with their computers in front of them.  They have been there the better part of the day and will probably be there for awhile playing a variety of games.  I could say more, but my point in sharing this is that Taelin and I needed to be out of the house tonight.  The original plan was to go and visit my sister up in Seattle but that fell through, so we decided to go the beach for the night like we did last year when Joe hosted.

My point?  I made the reservation for this place on Thursday.  We packed for it this morning. Not exactly giving me time to worry but it was ok because I wasn't worried at all!  Oh, what a difference 4 years makes.

Since I planned it so last minute, the room was more than I would have liked.  As I was thinking of ways I could offset the cost, a brilliant idea came to me!  We could roast hot dogs on the beach instead of going out for dinner.  I was finally going to get my beach fire again!  We spent hours down at the beach beforehand; running in the waves, looking for shells, digging holes and then filling them up again.  Finally, Taelin started making noise about getting hungry so I got the fire going (on the second try) and roasted hot dogs and then marshmallows.  After we ate, I sat by the fire (and of course, poked at it) and watched Taelin play for another hour before we packed our sandy-selves up back to the room.  We got ourselves clean and watched the sunset, talked to Joe via Skype and then snuggled into bed.

Consider #58, build a fire on the beach, complete!

Here are some pictures of before...

August 2009

YUM! 

so little....

clearly she was worried about being out so late....

....very worried.  Oh wait, no, that's me that's worried.

And a few from today...

treasure hunting

And we have fire! 

Dinner...

'

...with a side of sand.

She actually wanted me to take a picture!

Love that smile!

<3

we practically had the whole place to ourselves

our view from our room...perfect!

This might be the fastest turn around for an event to blog post I have had.  I am currently snuggled up next to Taelin with the window open to the ocean waves and cool air not really worried about anything at all. Quite a change from 4 years ago. Oh, what a difference 4 years makes.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Yane

This past week has been nothing short of crazy.  Work was absolutely nuts (and I only work three days) and it was really all I could do to race to Friday.  We are hiring new mentors for next year which will hopefully alleviate our current caseloads so I can actually feel like my job makes a difference, unlike most of this year where there was always more to be done and not enough of me to do it.  We spent our late afternoons and into the evening interviewing. I had typed up a menu plan but then between my book club on Monday night and then three crazy days of work...well, let's just say there was no real point.  Joe has been working a ton too and my crazy week impacted him in huge ways.

...deep breath...

Having a job that is so cyclical is tough in some regards.  This time of year is always so busy and people are so ready to be done.  There are changes that happen in preparation for next year, some chosen and others not.  It is hard not to stop and reflect on what the last 10 months have been like except for that there isn't a lot of time to do it.

I do know that I will be mentoring again part time next year.  I am so excited that I will again be working part time and that I again with have 2 full weekdays home with Taelin, in addition to our weekends with Joe.  She will be attending preschool again three days a week although there have been quite a few inquiries about whether she starts kindergarten in the fall.  And where that might be.  And then between the reflection of this year and the looking towards next year I realize I need to take a couple of deep breaths again.

We are tittering on a year of change.  Next year, will be the last year that Taelin and I get to enjoy more days at home together than not.  Next year, we will have to decide what kindergarten is going to look like for Taelin, there will be an actual registration of some sort that I expect will result in a few tearful/happy/proud/sad moments. Joe's job has a lot of transition happening right now that is really going to lead to more transition for next year.  Next year, I am going to have to make some decisions about my next steps in my career.  There is a shelf life for the kind of work I am doing and I have been feeling that this year.

I don't know what any of that is going to look like right now and am I pretty much ok with that.  I don't need to know right now and I know that whatever it ends up looking like, we will be together and we will be happy. That's how we roll.

So, before I get too far ahead of myself, let me tell you why I was racing towards Friday.  You see, Taelin and I had some fairly elaborate plans today.  After going to the podiatrist for my aching foot and getting the diagnosis of plantar fasciitis and another appointment to get fitted for a orthotic, we drove up to Portland and enjoyed a double header of the Portland Children's Museum and the Zoo.  It was such an incredible day of spending time together (which was just what I needed after pretty much the only time I spent with her during the 3 prior days was the 40 minutes of getting her ready and driving her to preschool.)

And tomorrow...we are going to Nana's and spending the afternoon at the beach.  It is supposed to be beautiful weather.  And then...I only have 3 more work days and our summer can officially start.  Bring.  It.  On.  Who knows what can happen....

enchiridion: a handbook; manual

There seem to be handbooks for most everything.

I have found the most useful handbook is my gut.

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~Jonatan Mårtensson

Tuesday morning I got up early and exercised before hopping in the shower.  After a quick shower, I finished getting ready (changing what pants I was wearing twice) and packed my lunch.  I filled up a sippy cup that I knew Taelin would want once I woke her up and sat next to her bed like I do every work morning as she wakes up, talking to her about the day and what she hoped she got to do at school.

I finally coaxed her out of bed and helped her get dressed.  We brushed her teeth and combed her hair.  She decided at the last second that she didn't want ponytails and only wanted clips which was fine by me since they didn't take as long and I had a staff meeting first thing at work.  I packed up her bag for school with her sheet and blanket for nap time, threw my phone and wallet into my bag and got into the car.  Taelin insisted (again) to climb into the car herself and get herself into her car seat.  That has been happening more lately because she is getting so independent and she usually doesn't bang her head or leg when she gets into my itty-bitty car.

We got buckled in and started off to our familiar route to her school.  We were on time, even a little ahead of schedule, as we turned the corner and headed up the hill.  I stopped at the stop sign at the top of the hill and turned left, heading down the road towards another hill.  As I came up the road I noticed that there wasn't a car at the stop sign at the side street I was approaching.  And then, all of the sudden...even faster than all of the sudden if there is such a thing...I saw a kid in the middle of the road jumping off his skateboard.  I slammed on my brakes as he landed with the top half of his body on top of the hood of my car.  He rolled/bounced like a rag doll across the hood off onto the other side of the road and down into the ditch filled with blackberries bushes.  It happened within 2 seconds and I doubt the image will ever leave my head.

I don't remember throwing my car into park or even what I said.  I grabbed my phone out of my bag that had fallen to the floor and jumped out of my car to find him twisted up, alert and screaming in pain.  I don't remember dialing or even what I said to the 911 operator.  The boy somehow was present enough to call his dad who came running down the street not a minute later.  He kept saying he was fine and he need to get up and all I remember saying is, "Don't move.  You can't move.  Wait until they get here."

The police showed up...then the fire truck...and then the ambulance...and then more police.  I got my car out of the middle of the road and just stood there as everyone tried to get him up and out safely.  He was crying and kept saying he was sorry and that it was all his fault.  He said he needed to get up because he had lacrosse later.   I answered whatever questions I was asked by the multiple police officers and then finally called Joe to come and get Taelin.  She had missed the whole thing and was wondering why we weren't going to school.  I will be forever grateful that she missed it.

I was crying and beyond shaken up and then I saw the dad walking over to me.  I braced myself for what I imagined was going to be the most angry parent I had ever come into contact with.  I braced myself to just take it.  It wasn't my fault, the police later came to the same conclusion, but somehow it didn't matter at the time. His son was hurt, really hurt, and I couldn't imagine how he was feeling.  And then...there was no yelling.  He came over and asked me if I was okay.  He told me that it was just an accident, that they happen and that he just the other day ran into someone coming out of parking lot.  He gave me his business card and told me to call later if I wanted an update on how his son was doing.  He walked back over to watch the paramedics help his son.

At some point, his mom showed up.  "Ok, here it comes," I thought to myself.  I wasn't sobbing uncontrollable, but I was crying.  She came over and without saying anything hugged me first and then said, "It's okay.  It isn't your fault.  It is not your fault."  What?  Seriously?  She then told me how she once hit a bicyclist and knows exactly how I was feeling.  What?  Really?  She walked away and they got into the ambulance and off they went.

I finished talking to the officers and the one that was doing the paperwork said that I was not at fault but that I did need to file a report with the DMV.  I headed home and then to work, pretty much in a daze.  Later in the day I called and left a message with the boy's dad which was returned by what I found out later was his step-mom.  She updated me throughout the day about his surgery (he had a broken femur) and then again apologized and reminded me that it wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my fault; I know that...but I feel horrible.  Absolutely horrible.  What if I had just done one thing differently yesterday morning?  What if I hadn't changed my pants or what if Taelin had wanted pigtails?  What if I had decided to shave my legs in the shower or talked to Taelin and little more or less as she was waking up?  What if I had been driving a bigger car?  What if?  What if?  What if?  I can't turn my brain off.  I clearly didn't wake up Tuesday morning intending for this to happen.  But I still feel horrible.

There are a lot of things that are just shocking about this whole thing.  He is going to be ok.  He actually called me tonight to apologize for running into me.  He sounded so tired.  He is home with four screws in his leg and his step-mom says he will probably be back to school on Monday which seems incredible.  He said he was sorry my car got damaged and that I got drug into the whole thing.  I kept apologizing back.  It isn't like he left his house in the morning intending to run into my car.  It wasn't my fault but I am still so sorry it happened.  What a hard lesson.  What a painful lesson.

And my lesson? While I am sure that there are many things that I can't even imagine yet, one lesson I am astounded by is the lesson in incredible grace.  Every time I retell the story (out loud or in my head) or talk to his step-mom, I am blown away and the calmness and grace that his parents have had.  It has to be a complete day from hell. A parent's worst nightmare. I can't really describe it...I am just in awe because it seems so far from what I would (and did) expect.

I have been completely consumed by the feelings these last two days. Guilt, fear, worry, anxiety...more guilt.  I have been all over the place and while I feel better today than I did yesterday, I think it will be awhile before I even out.  I keep replaying it over and over in my mind, wondering if there was something different I could have done...not that it matters.  I get caught up in the "what if's?" and get sick to my stomach.  I am feeling everything so much more right now because of this...lots of things that have nothing to do with the accident.  And at the same time, things that would have seemed like a big deal are so not a big deal to me.  It is going to take some time as the feelings come and go.  I am easily irritated, overly sensitive and have little patience for pettiness...not exactly a flattering description, I know, but it is an honest one.

I am trying to understand how to navigate all of these feelings and remember that while there isn't anything I can do to change what has happened, I can choose what to do with each feeling as it comes.  I am sure I will continue to think, talk and write about this accident.  I don't know how much will be done here versus with good friends or even just in my head.  I can only hope that this young boy and his family can ride through all the emotions they are bound to be feeling too.  It is just all a little overwhelming.

If you made it all the way to the end here with me, thank you.

Mother's Day...not always warm and fuzzy

Mother's Day has become a tricky day for me.  I am lucky that I am a mom to a wonderful little girl that brings more into my life than I could have ever imagined.  She was very much wanted and is very much loved...even on the really hard days.  But, I didn't always feel so lucky....and that was only magnified on a day like Mother's Day.

It feels like a long time ago that Joe and I were struggled to start our family but I won't ever forget how helpless and sad that journey was.  Some days were harder than others...Mother's Day was one of the hardest.  Like I needed another reminder that I wasn't yet a mother.  So, now that I am a mother it is kind of hard to celebrate this day when I know so many others are doing anything but.  They are going to avoid logging onto Facebook to see all the Mother's Day posts.  They may avoid going to church.  Or, they may have to suck it up, knowing that later on there is a shower with their name on it where they can cry all they need to.

Hallmark has made motherhood seem like a certain kind thing although, it is rarely that simple.  Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for some people that are near and dear to my heart.  I found this poem on the internet that I think is very fitting...  I wish it had the poets name and I wish that I could remember where I got it so I could give it credit.


To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.