I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. ~Author Unknown

I need to have this quote tattooed on my hand. Ok, that might be going to an extreme.  At the very least, I need to write this quote down in a couple of particular places as a reminder.  I keep finding myself in situations where I feel like I need to argue my stance, prove my point, convince others to change their mind.  The majority of the time, I end up walking away frustrated, worried, angry and irritated.  Usually I end up carrying those feelings (that continue to compound) long after the conversation is done.

It is such a tricky thing when I find myself in a situation like this.  Others I know, believe the same thing I do but can state their opinion and move on.  Others I know believe the same thing I do but just don't even engage.  I don't do either of those and I need to.

I am not good at letting go of things.  You would think the amount of times I have watched or heard the soundtrack to Frozen I would have "Let It Go" running through my subconscious but I don't.  I am not sure how it get better at that. When I don't engage, I often feel guilty later.  Like my silence was an acceptance of a differing view.

Lately, it seems I find myself in these situations in the education word, not only as a teacher but now as a parent.  I kind of always thought I would be a pain in the ass to my daughter's teacher and turns out I know myself pretty well and I was right.  I try to mitigate my pain in the ass-ness with baked goods, gift cards for coffee and volunteering but I am sure that only goes so far.  

Here is the latest example. Taelin is super excited to become a reader.  She loves reading books together, has started wanting to "read" books in bed after I read to her at night and one of her favorite apps is the Reading Rainbow app.  She has about 7 notebooks strewn around the house with pictures and labels and is constantly asking how to spell words.  She loves making up stories in the car when we are driving and wants Joe and I to tell her stories of when we were kids. She is super excited and really ready.

Enter sight word flashcards.  I can't even put into succinct words how much I abhorrently disagree with giving 5 year olds 10 unknown words at a time without any kind of context for meaning on flashcards with the charge of practicing every night so you can get tested every day so you can get a sticker on a chart when you know them all so you can get 10 more unknown words without any kind of context for meaning on flashcards.  I could go on and on but I won't.  It quite literally turns me into a crazy person.

Taelin was motivated for a bit because it was new but quickly became discouraged when she couldn't memorize them. So now we don't do them.  The teacher discussed with me that she was concerned because Taelin was only on packet one and most kids were on packet two or three.  I told her I didn't feel like isolated flashcards fit her learning style (I left out my overall opinion) and that we weren't going to do them like that. I told her we would work more writing at home and I would have the words with us so if a sight word came up, she should include it in her writing. She wasn't super happy with me.  I have been on the other side of the table of that discussion, I know how not happy she was with me.  She expressed her concern that she just wants Taelin to be able to become a reader and not knowing sight words is going to get in her way.  I have to fight the small panic I feel when I hear that...until I remember what she can do.

I went on the Mickey Mouse Ferris Wheel of Death!
 (done at school)

I went to Lucy birthday party.  She opened her music box!
(done at school)

                                   

I went on Grizzly River Run! I love love that ride so much!
(done at home)

We might need to work on varying her beginnings but I know she is going to be just fine.  

I feel lucky that I can make that decision for my daughter and I should "attend" those arguments.  It is my job as her mother to advocate for her.  And I will every time...and then will follow it up with loaf of banana bread for her teacher.

But what about as a teacher?  I have often found myself more of a questioner than a bandwagon jumper on-er. Usually I can resolve whatever issue I am concerned about and will eventually find myself on the bandwagon. But I am finding myself more often unable to resolve my concerns.  I find myself "attending" arguments that I shouldn't.  It does no good other than to irritate those around me (oh and they do) and leaves me frustrated, worried, angry and irritated.  Those kind of arguments are the ones I need to stop attending.  

Which brings me back to the tattoo...or maybe just a few sticky notes in a few key places and maybe some banana bread for myself.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

It is no secret to anyone here that I have been having what could be called a crisis of faith in regards to education.  No matter what I do, it never feels enough.  I miss teaching kids but know myself well enough that the feeling of "not enough" would only be compounded if I were to go back into the classroom now.  So, I support my beginning teachers the best I can, wishing I could more, wishing education had less trajectories and data and more connection and common sense.  I leave them with encouraging words until I can see them again.

I knew that I needed to rekindle my love for education some how so last spring I approached my boss about attending the annual convention of National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) this fall. I had attended when the convention was in Nashville and then again in New York but it had been a few years. She supported my attendance and even decided to come along.  I flew off to Boston with a schedule full of sessions I hoped would inspire and renew and maybe even redirect my journey.

I have been home from Boston for a week and have sat down to do a NCTE13 'recap' post many times since I boarded the plane last week. The problem I keep having is trying to put into words the experience I had.  I got to hear some inspiring teacher developers and some of my favorite authors. (Judy Blume was there!  Judy freakin' Blume!)  By the end of the first session on Thursday afternoon, I knew I was in the right place. The sparks from all of the session presenter's and the people I sat with during the sessions reminded why it is I love teaching.  

There was one session, however, that will not be soon forgotten.  The session title was Closer Reading: Close Reading Texts, Close Reading Lives and the presenters were Chris Lehman, Kate Roberts, and Maggie B. Roberts.  I didn't know it when I crammed myself into the corner way in the back of the crowded room but it was exactly what I was looking for.  Exactly what I needed.  At the end of the session, Chris shared a story about his wife and when he was telling it, I saw myself.  After the session, Chris and Kate were doing a book signing and I skipped my next session to get in line to have them sign my book but more importantly to say thank you.  

Before I write anymore, go read Chris' post here. (If you don't click and read the rest of my post isn't going to make any sense.)

I was one of those criers that Chris wrote about.  I don't know where it came from.  It just happened.  I had just gotten Kate's signature and was trying to be as non-creepy fangirl as possible (without much success I would guess) and then stood in line to thank Chris for his words at the end of the session.  And before I even got the phrase "thank you" out, my throat tighten and the tears welled.  Embarrassed, I tried to start over and began blubbering about what I can't remember.  (I am pretty sure that it had something to do with teaching.)  I didn't rally very well and Chris stopped, came around the desk he was sitting behind and gave me a hug.  The kindness he showed me is something I will not forget anytime soon. As I walked away, I felt embarrassed and inspired all at the same time. 

Then I read his blog post and realized that I am not alone.  Not alone by a long shot.  I have been thinking about what my butter knife is since.  I think for me, like Chris, those butter knives are connecting.  I always feel better after reaching out, reading and listening to others.  I feel less isolated.

I was out to lunch with a friend the other day after I got back and ran into a teacher that I mentored for the last three years.  I was sharing the stories of how inspired I was by the words of the presenters at the convention. I was sharing that even though there aren't any less data walls or assessments than when I left two weeks ago, somehow it all feels a little more manageable and how even though it was super creepy, that I wished I could just be friends with all those presenters. My teacher looked at me and smiled a little and said, "That's exactly how I feel when I listened to you when we worked together. I know you just thought you were just leaving us with words, but now you know what words like that can do." Maybe words are a butter knife for me too.

I started a Twitter account last February that I didn't do much with.  I revived it at the convention and followed along those that were tweeting with the hashtag #ncte13.  I even tweeted a couple of times myself.  But it is scary and I am pretty sure I am doing it wrong.  (Is there a wrong way to tweet?) 

I was in session listening to Lester Laminack and he said, "We wallow in what we do well."  This blog isn't an education blog.  It is a little blog about me living life. But, in the spirit of connecting (and not just wallowing), I am going to tweet the link to this post even though it terrifies me. After all, what if a bunch of English teachers read this and see all my grammar mistakes and my sentences that end in prepositions. 

It's ok though...I owe a deep gratitude to those at the convention and luckily red pens don't exist on the internet. I owe a deep gratitude to those that have rekindled the flames within me so I can continue on in my work. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  

Photo of the Day Nov 17-27

Family time at home, an amazing conference and learning and some funny little moments make up these last few days.  On this eve of Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for my life; my husband, my daughter, our little family, my friends, my passion for learning and teaching and everything else that makes me, me. 

nov 17, 2013
we are definitely in blanket weather...love these two

nov 18, 2013
everyday we add a feather to share what we are thankful for
this one is my favorite so far

nov 19, 2013
turkey referred to in above picture designed by Taelin
(the black on the top is a pirate hat and the little
scribble on the bottom left is a mole.  the story
of why the eyes are the way they are is hilarious too.)

nov 20, 2013
flew to Boston for NCTE Annual Convention

nov 21, 2013
had the morning for site seeing and we spend some time
at the Boston Tea Party museum.  super fun!
Huzzah!

nov 22, 2013
some of the things I got on the first day....there is no
actual evidence that this pile grew throughout the weekend.

nov 23, 2013
a grumpy girl when she finds out on Skype that I am actually gone another night

nov 24, 2013
waiting for me at home

nov 25, 2013
after learning that you sometimes take a bottle of wine to a party you are invited
 to and finding out that her cousin doesn't like juice boxes
(which was her idea to take like the bottle of wine)
Taelin settled on picking these out for her and her cousin because
 "since we can't get a drink then let's get something that we can put our favorite drink in!"

nov 26, 2013
november rose 

nov 27, 2013
an extra passenger...safety first of course

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Yane

This past week has been nothing short of crazy.  Work was absolutely nuts (and I only work three days) and it was really all I could do to race to Friday.  We are hiring new mentors for next year which will hopefully alleviate our current caseloads so I can actually feel like my job makes a difference, unlike most of this year where there was always more to be done and not enough of me to do it.  We spent our late afternoons and into the evening interviewing. I had typed up a menu plan but then between my book club on Monday night and then three crazy days of work...well, let's just say there was no real point.  Joe has been working a ton too and my crazy week impacted him in huge ways.

...deep breath...

Having a job that is so cyclical is tough in some regards.  This time of year is always so busy and people are so ready to be done.  There are changes that happen in preparation for next year, some chosen and others not.  It is hard not to stop and reflect on what the last 10 months have been like except for that there isn't a lot of time to do it.

I do know that I will be mentoring again part time next year.  I am so excited that I will again be working part time and that I again with have 2 full weekdays home with Taelin, in addition to our weekends with Joe.  She will be attending preschool again three days a week although there have been quite a few inquiries about whether she starts kindergarten in the fall.  And where that might be.  And then between the reflection of this year and the looking towards next year I realize I need to take a couple of deep breaths again.

We are tittering on a year of change.  Next year, will be the last year that Taelin and I get to enjoy more days at home together than not.  Next year, we will have to decide what kindergarten is going to look like for Taelin, there will be an actual registration of some sort that I expect will result in a few tearful/happy/proud/sad moments. Joe's job has a lot of transition happening right now that is really going to lead to more transition for next year.  Next year, I am going to have to make some decisions about my next steps in my career.  There is a shelf life for the kind of work I am doing and I have been feeling that this year.

I don't know what any of that is going to look like right now and am I pretty much ok with that.  I don't need to know right now and I know that whatever it ends up looking like, we will be together and we will be happy. That's how we roll.

So, before I get too far ahead of myself, let me tell you why I was racing towards Friday.  You see, Taelin and I had some fairly elaborate plans today.  After going to the podiatrist for my aching foot and getting the diagnosis of plantar fasciitis and another appointment to get fitted for a orthotic, we drove up to Portland and enjoyed a double header of the Portland Children's Museum and the Zoo.  It was such an incredible day of spending time together (which was just what I needed after pretty much the only time I spent with her during the 3 prior days was the 40 minutes of getting her ready and driving her to preschool.)

And tomorrow...we are going to Nana's and spending the afternoon at the beach.  It is supposed to be beautiful weather.  And then...I only have 3 more work days and our summer can officially start.  Bring.  It.  On.  Who knows what can happen....

Photo A Day February 26-March 4, 2013

It is kind of funny how this particular series of posts is turning out to be one of the highlights of my week!  Here's what the past week has been like...

feb 26, 2013
As if I wasn't having enough trouble getting Taelin to like going to school,
I picked her up with a shiner from a collision from playing tag.
 "And she didn't even say sorry..."

feb. 27, 2013
What I took right before a 5 hour afternoon nap.
Turns out I wasn't sick, just allergy season rearing
 it's ugly head sooner and harsher than expected.

feb. 28, 2013
When do I think I am going to find time for all
 the professional reading I keep dragging home?

march 1, 2013
one of the baby chicks that was hatched in one of my teacher's classroom.
we went to go visit but Taelin would hold one
because she was pretty sure it was going to eat her.

march 2, 2013
weekend at the Oregon coast...LOVE IT!

march 3, 2013
I was feeling very optimistic that the sun outside was as warm as I wanted it to be.
 I was wrong.
My tennis shoes and socks were on too long after this photo!

march 4, 2013
Happy Birthday to my friend Tiffany's little girl Lucy Mae.
Light pink tulips and sunshine to honor and remember a little girl that is so loved and incredibly missed.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~Joseph Addison

There is a sense of relief that comes with the end of a big project. There is a sense of accomplishment when it a job well done. There is a sense of pride when it is job you weren't sure you were going to finish. Tonight, as I am working on this post, I am happy to say that I am feeling all three of those things. Oh, and I am really, really tired.

It is hard to believe all that has transpired in the last week. There (of course) is a long story behind it all but that story isn't really relevant. Today I did something kind of amazing. And I think, for the most part, I lived my "one little word". Grace was certainly present and I think out of everyone, I provide the most grace to myself. I had one of those opportunities to be the person I want to be, even when things got hard.

Sitting in this cramped airplane seat with a sore elbow from the beverage cart that just got smacked, I am feeling very grateful. I am on my way home from the New Teacher Center's annual symposium. I met a lot of new people and saw some familiar faces from previous trips. I now have Twitter account that I am planning to use to connect to educators all over the country for my own professional development. I heard stories from others and got to tell some of my own about the work I am privileged to do. I was reminded of the wonderful people I work with and we even got to play a little bit too. I have found some people and places of inspiration and I think I might have even inspired a few people myself. I am feeling renewed and rejuvenated about my work. I am feeling very grateful.

I am feeling vey grateful, too, that I am on my way home. I am on my way to a husband and a daughter that I know love me and missed me. I am grateful that the stress of the past week is behind me and that I can realign my home and work and get back trying to achieve the balance of the two. I am looking forward to bedtime stories and blanket forts, puzzles and play dough.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

I have a lot of favorite quotes by Maya Angelou, in fact, I probably could find 101 quotes just from her that inspire me in one way or another but this one has always been one that always brings me pause.  It is so true for everyone, but somehow rings especially true for a teacher.  

I had an interesting experience today regarding a teacher but I was on a side that I have not really found myself many times...I was the unhappy parent.  I say "was" like it is in the past and I am over it which is not entirely true.  I am trying to use some grace, patience and understanding before I go off half-cocked on my one of my daughter's preschool teachers.

It isn't easy to convince Taelin to go to school.  She has fun, loves her teachers (most of the time) and enjoys playing with her friends but we have a great time being home too and she would much prefer to be at home than school.  There are a few things that make it a little easier to motivate her; Tuesday she has dance at school, Wednesday is show and tell, Thursday...well, it's the last day and "tomorrow is a home day!"  Show and tell is easily her most favorite of them all and I don't think it would surprise many that know Taelin even a little when I say that we literally start talking about what she is going to take for her next show and tell on our way home on Wednesday night.  She is that into it.  

I know as well as the next teacher that things don't always go as planned.  Today, Taelin was excited to take a little rock that had a dragonfly painted on it.  It was a "bonus" gift with some other rocks I had ordered and it just screamed Taelin when I unpacked the box.  We packed it up and on our way to school today we talked about what she might decide to say about it.  Lots of lingering hugs and I was off to my day.

Fast forward to tonight's pick up time.  I was talking to the owner and told Taelin to go and get her coat and her show and tell.  She looks at me, with what seconds ago were smiling eyes, and bursts into tears.  Like sobbing-can't-understand-you tears.  I finally get out of her that she didn't get to do her show and tell and I looked at the owner who said, "They had a hard day in there.  I am not surprised they didn't have time."  Ok, fine, there are days that are hard.  I get it.  I ask, as I think was responsible, if there was anything that Taelin did to contribute to the "hard day".  The owner said that Taelin was actually the exception.  She is really great to have in there except for the occasional, "That isn't how you are supposed to do it. Let me show you the right way."  (I have NO idea where that comes from...)  I smile a little bit and let her know again that if anything ever becomes an issue to please let me know.  She smiles that smile that I am sure I used to give parents when I wanted them the conversation to end and Taelin and I headed out the door.  

I thought we had recovered as we talked on our way out to the car, but the second I closed my door Taelin started sobbing again about not getting to share.  I know that she looks forward to show and tell, but I honestly was surprised that it was getting that much of reaction.  Surprised enough, in fact, that I started to dig a little deeper into what made the day a "hard" day.

The group of kids that Taelin has been with at this preschool has been challenging.  Nobody has said that right out but I am smart enough to figure out that if a preschool teacher is handing out behavior tickets that can then be turned in for a drawing for some crappy Dollar Store prize in the second week of September, there is a bit of a management problem.  We often see (during picking up and dropping off) the same few kids in time out.  If you ask Taelin it is because they are not listening to what the teacher tells them to do.

Well, apparently today was a particularly "not listening" day and at one point the teacher lost it and yelled...loudly.  She was reading a book aloud to the kids, they weren't listening and then she yelled at them for what Taelin said, "Was a really long time."  Now, I know that kind of thing happens.  I can think of a few not-so-proud moments earlier in my career that I just didn't know what to do with my lovely 3rd graders that I raised my voice out of frustration.

But what broke my heart, is what Taelin said she did.  And I quote, "I was so scared and nerbous (v's are still b's) that I just had to hide under the table until she stopped yelling. It was not safe to come out."

....sigh....

I haven't talked to the teacher yet and I will.  I only know Taelin's part of the story and I know there are things that her 3 year old brain probably didn't pick up.  But.  She was scared and nervous and felt unsafe.  She doesn't want to go to school tomorrow.  Another quote, "I just know my friends aren't going to be good listeners and that teacher ____ is going to yell again."

I don't really know what to do.  This poor teacher is probably making barely minimum wage.  The amount of training that she has had is probably minimal.  She probably doesn't have a toolbox of tricks to try when managing a group of 15 three and four years olds.  She probably went home frustrated at her really hard day and doesn't want to go to school tomorrow either.

This teaching thing isn't easy and I am seeing that everywhere this week.  It is hard work.  There is a lot to do and much to combat.  I get that.  I see that.  I remember that.  As a teacher.

But tonight, I am a parent with a little girl that doesn't want to go to preschool tomorrow.  I think there are going to be a few tears in the morning from Taelin.

And more than likely a few from me as I drive to my first school.  

The Lottery

The other night I was working on my December Daily album, and I decided to check out our Netflix queue for something different to watch.  Once I started looking, I was reminded that I had added a bunch of documentaries and decided to pass up some of the other choices and watch The Lottery.  It was a rather short film and the topic was centered around 4 families living in New York City that were all trying to get their kids into a charter school.

There was an obvious bias, which I think is the case in many documentaries, and I will admit that there were times that I wanted to just hit the stop button and switch to an already watched episode of Law and Order...but I didn't.  

I don't have a lot of experience with charter schools.  I know that there have been some widely successful ones across the country but most that I personally know about are riddled with their own problems.  The one in this film has been one of those successful ones.  The teaching day is extended, the school year is extended, the principal gets rid of "ineffective" teachers with no trouble from a union, teachers happily work together.  It is so successful that there is a lottery every spring to fill the available spaces for the upcoming school year.  

Throughout the film, we followed 4 children.  They were all going to be kindergartens in the fall.  Their cute little faces were supposed to pull at the heart strings of the viewer.  In a lot of ways, it worked.  They were great little kids. And then there were the parents.  The parents of these four kids were clearly dedicated to wanting the best for their child.  Every single one of them had a little section in their house that was reserved for learning.  There were alphabet posters, books, pocket charts, word cards, puzzles, flash cards, etc.  It was incredible.  And irritating all at the same time.  

My problem with this film was not that these parents clearly wanted what was best for their child.  The problem I had with this film was the implication that all parents were like this and then when these little darlings entered kindergarten, the big, mean, unionized public school teacher was going to fail them miserably year after year.  And yes, that would be a little bias showing through.  

I am not saying that there aren't ineffective teachers out there.  A huge purpose of my job is to help make teachers more effective early in their career.  There are always things we can do as teachers to be better.  I don't deny for a second that there are teachers that should not be with children in a classroom. I could even name a few.  

The problem that I had with this documentary is how simple they saw the solution was.  

I taught kindergarten for one year here in Salem.  When I started the year, I had 21 students, a number unheard of these days in public school.  Of those 21 kids, I had two that could recognize all of their letters, most knew 5-10. Of those 21 kids, 10 of them could not write their own name....5 of them couldn't even recognize it.  Most of them could count to 10.  Half of them could write to 10.  Three of them didn't know how to hold a book.  There weren't many alphabet posters, books, pocket charts, word cards, puzzles, flash cards in these kids home.  There is plenty of responsibility to go around for kids succeeding in school.  

Now I want to say that I worked hard that year.  All of my kids made a lot of progress but not all were "ready" for first grade.  I am not using the excuse that "they didn't come ready".  But I am saying it is a reality.  Kids (and in some schools most of the kids) walk into school the first day of the new year not prepared.  And when they walk into school when they are kindergartens, there is no prior public school teacher to blame.  And to be honest, it doesn't really serve us to throw blame around and it certainly doesn't serve the kids.  

I agree with the film maker that we need to do better by the kids going to our schools and I know a lot of educators that give of themselves (probably more than is personally healthy) to try and do that every single day.  I just wish those people would have gotten a little screen time too.

(And, probably not surprising, I didn't really end up getting a lot done on my December Daily album.)

Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted. ~Albert Einstein

These last few weeks my mentor co-workers and I have been working what feels like around the clock helping and supporting our growing number of new teachers.  We have 1st year teachers that are walking into a classroom that was left a disaster by the former teacher, 3rd years teachers that are doing some incredibly thoughtful year long planning and everything else in between.  They are inundated by acronyms, last minute staff meetings, curriculum, standards, schedules, assessment data and furniture.  All of them are feeling grateful they have a job.  All of them are feeling overwhelmed.  It is honestly a little hard to find a teacher this time of year that isn't feeling a little overwhelmed.

The to-do lists continue to get longer and longer and it seems teaching gets more and more complex every single year (even though last year we were sure it couldn't get any harder) and I worry that sometimes as we try and wade through everything we sometimes forget that there are children at the center of it all.

I found the above quote last spring when the insanity of state testing was at it's peak.  At the time I started, finished but didn't publish what was nothing more than a rant about what testing has done to our classrooms.  Instead, I tucked the quote away on a virtual sticky note for another time.

And then yesterday, in the middle of another insane day of not having enough of me to go around, I saw this quote on a actual sticky note in one of my teacher's classrooms.  It was surrounded by stacks of leftover print, buckets of math manipulatives all mixed together, and dried out markers she had pulled out of yet another cupboard.  It just sat there as I sorted through things the best I could while helping her think about how she might want to arrange her room.  I don't think it was hers but I just left it there, for another time.

So I sit here now, after digging through my virtual sticky notes on my desktop, thinking that this would be the perfect way and the perfect time to wish you all a wonderful 2012-2013 school year.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

Oh, how I need to remember this quote.  I need to write it on sticky notes and put it everywhere; my car, my bathroom mirrors, my refrigerator, my calendar.  If I wasn't so bloody afraid of needles, I could get it tattooed on my hand.  

I tend to be a big picture person.  I can be pretty detailed orientated when I need to be, but am more of a global thinker.  This character trait, in many cases, would be seen as a strength. It is important when working within a group of people that there are people that can zoom out and not get caught up in the minute details that often bog down a group.  But right now, my "ability" to think globally is not serving me...at all.

We are in an interesting time in public education and specifically, the school district in which I work.  I suppose there hasn't ever really been an uninteresting time in education, but right now there seems to be some particularly interesting things going on.  Without going into all the details of what I have been thinking about (ha...details of a big picture...I am screwed), I just want to say that often times I feel very powerless.  I am paralyzed by the fact that there is SO much to do and less resources to do it with; I feel like I don't even know where to start.  Then there are other times, the times that I am working really hard to make a difference and I feel like it doesn't.  I really don't know which is worse.  What I do know, is that neither feels good.

After a particularly odd experience today where I found myself unable to complete a sentence in front of one of the Assistant Superintendents of our district because I started to cry, I felt like I was just ready to give up.  And, in a way, I think I might need to.

I don't think I need to give up completely and start applying at Starbucks (although I have made that "joke" more than I probably should), but I think I might be on to something.  One of the things that probably should have made this list, the 10 things that I don't like about myself, but didn't is that I tend to see things in black and white; all or nothing.  I know in my heart that isn't true, but in times of distress it is like I go back to default.  In this case, maybe if education can't be what I want it to be I just need to quit.  Quitting clearly isn't an option (or something I really want) but I think I do need to "give up" on a few things.

What I realized today is that I have amazing co-workers.  When I couldn't finish my sentence today, someone jumped in for me and said the exact thing I wanted to say myself.  Later after I gained some composure, I went on for way too long to try to make a point but luckily another co-worker followed up with his own point that punctuated mine.  After the meeting, I rambled some more and they all listened, all of them.  Nobody made me feel more crazy than I already did or like I was over-reacting.  They shared kind words that told me I wasn't the only one that felt the way I did and gave me their outsider's view and some things to think about.

In addition to a great support at work, I can't forget Joe.  He has been asking me for days if I am okay; that I seem out of sorts.  I start to try to process and it just comes out in one big mess.  He just lets it be the mess it is...and asks me more questions the next day.  I say one thing one day and I completely contradict myself the next.  He wants me to happy, nothing more and nothing less.  I am a lucky lady

So, I have made a decision after today.  I am not quitting.  I have too much to offer.  But, I am going to give up just a little bit.  I am going to give up trying to have all the answers to the problems I see.  I am going to give up just seeing the problems.  I am going to give up being blind to the fact that I make a difference everyday to someone at work.  I going to give up the fact that difference needs to be a big one.  I am going to give up needing to know what next year might bring...or even next month...and just look at one day.

This post has been written and rewritten, with different quotes as the title and different emotions as the body.  To be honest, rereading it makes me sound like one big hot mess and almost makes me not want to publish it.  It sounds like I need some sort of medication or at least a swift kick in the pants.  But I am giving up on it for now too.  I need to get to bed because I have a big day tomorrow.  I need to go do something tomorrow.

Words have weight. ~Stephen King

Last Thursday I was sitting in a day-long professional development with different teachers, mentors and coaches from around the district.  There were several groups of people all from the same building which is exciting to see. Teaching, surprisingly, can be an isolating job at times and it is great to see people learning together with the common goal of student success.  Some of the information was new, but much of it was reinforcing things I know or reminding me of things that I have forgotten.  Because of this, there were times that my attention wandered.

During one such wandering, a t-shirt one of the teachers was wearing caught my attention.  I could see the word "succeed" most of all and there was some smaller writing above and below it.  I first looked at the letters above and saw, "If at first you don't".  In my mind, I easily filled in the blanks of what I thought the words would be underneath..."try, try again."  Underneath the entire saying was the name of the elementary school that matched the name the teacher had shared at the beginning of the training.  I went back to reread the entire thing and then realized I had made a mistake in my reading.  What the phrase actually said was, "If at first you don't succeed, you aren't us. ______ Elementary."

Um....excuse me?  

I looked across the table at one of my co-workers and asked if I had really read that correctly.  He smiled and nodded without reading it himself...he had seen the shirt already.  I sat back, astounded, looking again convinced that there was no way that I had read that correctly.  When I looked back, I realized that all three teachers from that school were wearing the same t-shirt.  Bewildered didn't even begin to really describe what I was thinking.  It was obviously a coordinated effort and they were wearing their shirts with pride.  

I tried my best to turn my attention back to the presenters, but I couldn't help but be drawn back to the t-shirt.  I don't think it really surprised me that the sentence existed on a t-shirt.  People change all sorts of known phrases to try to be clever or funny or something...  What surprised me was that a teacher was wearing it.  What surprised me was that there was a school name on it.  What surprised me was there was probably some kind of "vote" on what they should put on their staff t-shirt and that was what they decided was best.

When the initial shock of realizing what the shirt said started to wear off, it opened the floodgate of emotions and thoughts I had.  Even as I sit here and type I am having a hard time even knowing where to start to explain how I feel about it.  

First, I guess I need to think about what that sentence is really saying.  So basically, at that school, if don't succeed at something the first time you aren't a part of them.  And they seem okay with that.  Not just okay, but proud of that.  Apparently they must think being one of them is something pretty special.  They must assume that everyone wants to be a part of them.  Once realizing what those words are meaning, I have to think about who might be reading them.  

I don't think I am making too big of an assumption here that the staff t-shirts are worn by staff at school.  And just to state the obvious...there are children at school.  So, I have to wonder what a child at that school might think about the shirt.  I instantly start to think of former students of mine, very specific memories of the times that those students succeeded.  Many, many times the thing that made their success so sweet for me as a teacher was knowing how hard we (the student and I) worked to achieve that success.  So, when I think about the students in that school I wonder how they feel when they don't succeed the first time?  According to the t-shirt, those students aren't one of "them".  And even if they don't wear them everyday, they are taking that attitude into every interaction they have with a child.  What a disservice...maybe even an injustice.

Then I think about the parents of the children that go to that school. As a parent myself, I have already run out of fingers and toes to count the times where I didn't succeed the first time trying something.  Hell, I ran out of fingers and toes to count on before I even left the hospital just trying to breastfeed.  I can't imagine how a parent would feel talking to a teacher wearing this shirt when I know deep down that almost all parents are doing the very best they know how to do with what they have.  

Then I think about what it would be like if I were a teacher at that school.  At this point, I would consider myself a fairly capable teacher.  I understand how important a organized environment and strong management system is in a classroom.  I understand that my lessons need to be well thought out, engaging and attainable in some way for all my students.  I understand collaboration with my peers and continued learning is critical in this profession.  And do you want to know how I understand all of those things?  Because at some point, in the last 11 years, I did the exact opposite and learned, sometimes the hard way, that all of those things were important.  If I was a teacher at that school though...well...I clearly didn't succeed the first time, so again, wouldn't have been one of them.  

I am angered, disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and confused by that t-shirt.  I am all of those things for many, many reasons.  I am embarrassed for those teachers that think whatever it is the hell they think is the good that might come from wearing that t-shirt.  I also pity those teachers, because at some point, they will realize they haven't succeeded at something the first time they have tried and will apparently find themselves no longer part of the "us" they clearly like to be a part of now.

I struggled the rest of the day trying to decided if I wanted to say something to one of those teachers but I couldn't figure out what I would say.  There is a part of me that is curious about the story behind how those shirts came to be.  I have been trying hard to see the other side of things; broaden my perspective before I make a judgment but I honestly can't think of one story they could tell me that would make me understand why that t-shirt is a good idea.

In another two weeks I will find myself in the same place with the same people for the second session of professional development. I wonder if they will wear their shirts again, like some kind of uniform intended to intimidate the opposing team.  If they do, I don't think I will be able to help myself from saying something.

I don't want to mean or unkind, but would just like to tell them that I am really okay not being part of their "us".  I am who I am because of my successes and failures and the lessons that came from both.  I want to tell them that the students in their classes count on them to be the one person in the classroom that can support them when they don't succeed the first time.  I want to tell them that I hope my daughter's life is not so easy that every time she tries something for the first time, she gets is right.  I want to tell them that it is those exact lessons that will hopefully remind her to be gentle, kind and empathetic to others and will remind her that if she keeps trying she can do anything she wants.

Yeah, I am okay not being a part of your "us".  What a scary and stifling place that must be. 

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

When I first went into teaching I thought I would love every minute of it.  I remember sitting in experienced teacher's classrooms to accrue observation hours and wonder how in the world they could be so "mean" to their students.  I sat there judging those teacher's action, sure as I had ever been sure of anything, that those teachers were doing irreparable harm to the children in their class.  And what those teachers talked about in the staff room at lunch time?  Unbelievable!!!  I couldn't wait until I could finally get my own classroom and give those students someone that would love them unconditionally while having the most awesome, not-from-the-textbook lessons ever.

Then, I started teaching, for real.  I did okay my first couple years because I was high on getting a job.  I loved the kids. I loved getting there at 7 a.m. and not leaving until 6 p.m. because I was dedicated.  I loved working on Sunday and grading papers every night.  I really did.  I loved it.  But then a class came along that taught me what it really meant to be a teacher.  They challenged me every second of every single day.  I cried for hours the night before I had to return from Christmas break, convinced I would never make it until the end of the year.

And if that weren't enough, the Lutheran guilt machine I was raised with, kicked into high gear.  I had turned into that teacher.  The teacher that I said I would NEVER be...and I only lasted two years.  I felt like a horrible person.  (Just for the record, I would really like to go slap some sense into my former self...)

Now when I think back to that year, I smile.  I smile because that was the year I really learned how to be a teacher.  There were a lot of contributing factors, but the biggest support I had that year (and in years since) was another teacher at the school.  It wasn't like she exactly sought me out...we were brought together by a student that was by far my biggest challenge.  When I tried everything I knew how to do (which wasn't much mind you), this teacher was the one that listened when I need to vent, asked me questions to get me thinking, and offered advice and ideas when the last thing I tried didn't work.  She taught me, for real, how to see the strengths in someone that causes you to pull your hair out and drink excessively.

I made it through that school year and had never been so happy in my life.  I was ready for summer.  On the last day of school I was crying but it had nothing to do with missing kids or saying goodbye.  I was crying because I had made it.  And not surprising, that teacher was there again with a tissue and a hug.

I am lucky to say that teacher has become a friend.  A friend that has been with me through some of the hardest years of my life.  People looking at us might think we are an unlikely pair.  Some have assuming we are mother and daughter.  Don't I wish....

My friend has just retired after 39 years of teaching.  I am amazing and inspired by that number.  She amazes and inspires me every time I am with her.  It came to no surprise to me that she was not going to let us celebrate her retirement with a big party.  No money was to be spent on gifts.  So....I wrote her a letter.  A letter to tell her that she was the person that inspires me.  The person that rekindled my inner fire (and does so  all the time.)

And with that, #6 is complete.

I am a lucky lady...

I am currently 1 hour into my summer vacation from the 2010-2011 school year.  Taelin is at her last day of daycare until next fall and I am taking today for myself.  After dropping her off, I came home and made myself an omelet, scheduled lunch with a friend and planned out the rest of my day...which will include brightly colored toenails, a new pair of shoes for my sister's wedding, blogging, yoga...and a nap.  There will definitely be a nap.

The headache that started last Saturday night has finally gone away after the close of the year yesterday and a good night's sleep.  It was a sadder ending than past school years as people turned in their keys and security badges, knowing they would not be getting them back in the fall.  I wrote many heartfelt notes to those I had to say goodbye and was tearful as I walked away from every school.  It was not a fun week and I am glad it is over.

But with all the sadness, I realized something wonderful as the week wore on.  I am a very lucky lady.  I am leaving this year with a sense of accomplishment.  I am leaving this year with new relationships formed and friendships cemented.  People thanked me for helping them and told me they couldn't have done it without me.  (I certainly think they could have, but I probably did make it easier for them...).  Those people made a huge difference in the lives of many children.   I am lucky that I had a job that was flexible for me to be the kind of mom and wife I strive to be.  I am lucky that I get to do it again next year.  Like I said, I am a lucky lady.

So now, I turn my attention to the summer.  As I finish this blog post, I am wondering if scheduled afternoon nap might turn into a mid-morning nap instead.  I am looking forward to spending time with Taelin, paying more attention to my list and my blog, my sister's wedding and our trip to Montana...and sunshine, hopefully lots and lots and lots of sunshine.

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water. ~Antoine Rivarol

To say my heart is heavy is an understatement.  Usually the end of a school year is a highly anticipated time.  It is a time to celebrate all that has been done in the past nine months and look forward to the few months we have to recharge.  We finally get to say goodbye to that kid that has been driving us crazy all year long only to find ourselves strangely teary when the time to say goodbye actually comes.  We take things off our walls and pack up our desk so that our classrooms can be cleaned and the floors waxed.  The list of things to do is long and unpleasant (for the most part) but once everything on that list is checked off, there isn't a new one to make.  Plans are made for those first few days off and we say goodbye to the adults with a promise of a summer lunch sometime soon.

This year though, it is much different.  The to-do lists are just as long and there are many goodbyes that are going to happen.  Many of us can't wait for the year to be over, just because it means the roller coaster we have been on is done...for now.  But instead of looking forward saying "have a good summer" and planning those summer lunches, I am dreading seeing the teachers I have worked with this year.  

I am worried about them all.  I am sad that so many of them are packing up their classroom, storing away books that haven't been used all that much yet, unsure of when they are going to get to unpack those boxes again.  I have said, "I'm sorry."  so many times and it just doesn't see to be enough.  I am not sure what else I can say to them.  

Since we first got a glimmer of what this budget crisis might mean, I have been able to push it out of my mind by saying, "Ok, well, I will see you next week."  Well, this week is it.  There is no "next week".  So, I imagine, there will be more tears this week as I say goodbye and good luck.