Buh-bye student loan....

I graduated with my BA in Education in 1999.  While I was very fortunate to have an awesome music scholarship for my first year of college and a kick-ass job as a Resident Assistant during my last three years, it was not in the cards for me to leave school debt-free.  (In the interest of full disclosure, there was a year after I gave up my music scholarship but before I became an RA that pretty much helped me understand the definition of poor, college student.)

Six months after I graduated, I started paying back my student loan.  When I looked at the amount I owed (which I now realize was NOTHING compared to what others had) and the payment schedule they had laid out, it seemed daunting to think about the fact that they wanted me to pay for 10 years.  I dutifully sent my check out each month, some months with even a few extra dollars.

Then in 2001, I started graduate school.  At the time, Joe was working at Western Oregon University and because we were married, I was able to get the discounted rate of $50 a credit plus fees.  I knew I didn't want to take on more debt so I deferred my student loan (which was completely on the up and up since I was enrolled in school) and paid for grad school as I went.

I didn't go to school full time because I was teaching full-time so it took me 4 years to finish my Master's degree.  Then, six months after that was finished, I received a new coupon book with my new payment schedule.  (Why they call it a "coupon" book I will never understand!)  I once again started to diligently pay each month.  Every month seemed like such a time drop in the bucket, but I just kept going.

Then we started paying things off....credit cards....Joe's car....my car....our 2nd mortage that we took out right after our 1st mortgage to pay back the person that loaned us our down payment (I am pretty sure that is illegal now)..Joe's student loan....  Mine was next in line.  This past January, I still had a little under $4,000 left to pay....and I decided I was determined to pay it off by the end of 2011.

I started paying anything I could extra towards it.  If I worked an extra day and got paid...it went to my loan.  If I worked for Willamette...it went to my loan.  Gift money...went to my loan.  Extra money at the end of the month...went to my loan.  I think you get the picture.

And this month, I am proud to say that my student loan is completely paid off.  I could have been paying on that for another 3 years....but I am done.  How awesome it that?

"...and when you exhale, release the thoughts and feelings that do not serve you..." ~My yoga instructor

Hi.  My name is Jodie and I can be my own worst enemy.

They (who ever "they" are) say that the first step in overcoming a problem, is admitting you have one.  The above statement, I guess, is my admission.  

I think we all have that little voice in our head.  I seem to have several.  One is really sarcastic...I mean really sarcastic.  That particular voice likes to spend more time than reasonable on stating the obvious, mostly on things around me that I find annoying.  I kind of like that voice, but would be embarrassed if all of the sudden someone walked by me with a super-power that made it so everyone else could hear it.  I suppose that means I should probably work on quieting that voice. (That voice just spoke up...and I am not telling you what it said.)  

Another voice, one I like much less than the previous one, sounds an awful lot like my mother (a coincidence I am sure).  And unlike the previous voice that focuses it's attention on the outside, this voice focuses much more on me.  In general, it is the voice that tells me I am not good enough, I am not smart enough and people don't like me. Who knew I had Stuart Smalley's biggest naysayer living in my head? I am sure we all have a voice like this inside of ourselves to varying degrees.

The last voice, is a fairly recent addition to the jumbled mess.  At this point, I can only describe it best as a whisper.  It's main job seems to mainly be to tell the previous voices to kindly shut up.  I like this voice and would like it to get louder.  I have been trying to encourage this voice more but it wasn't until I was sitting in yoga one Saturday morning that it was clearly defined for me.

We were working on breathing techniques and meditation.  When I first started taking yoga, I was mostly looking for an exercise that I wouldn't hate and didn't realize that there were things, like breathing techniques and meditation, that would help with other parts of my well-being.  Anyway, we were sitting there and the instructor said something that for some reason switched something in my brain.  She said, "...and when you exhale, release the thoughts and feelings that do not serve you..."

Brilliant.

I know that I have heard and read more than my fair share of Oprah-like advice about letting go of things and quieting the voices in my head.  I know that all that negative self-talk about weight loss, or work, or friendships, or...or....or....or needs to stop.  I know that too many times I have sabotaged myself with my own voices.  But for some reason, on that day, in that moment there was some clarity for me.

Since that day, the whispered voice is gaining some ground.  And instead of filling my brain with more words, all I hear is "Breath. Serve yourself."  It is enough to stop the other voices and reframe my thinking.  There have been little reminders since then that have shown me how important it is to do this. They truthfully have probably always been there, I am just more likely to notice them now.

They say that old habits die hard. The upside?  Old habits can die.  I would imagine the same could be said for old voices.

wheedle: to persuade or try to persuade by coaxing words, flattery, etc.

Let me introduce....Wordy Wednesdays!    One of the recent changes to my list included learning one new word a week.  My hope is that I can increase my own vocabulary and share some funny stories about my life, past or present, along the way.  I can't guarantee that every week's word will accompany a story, not because I don't have one but because I might not have it ready and it isn't necessarily part of the goal.  I really just want a chance to be able to write down the stories that float in and out of my brain and this would give me an avenue to do that. 

I also may eventually have to change my Wednesday to another day once my class starts in November but for now, I like how "Wordy Wednesday" sounds.  Because I am starting this whole thing almost 200 days into my 1001 days, I will at some point have to go back and make up for weeks gone by or I won't feel like I can really check it off at the end.

Anyway,  I am not doing a very good job of wheedling you into following my "Wordy Wednesday" with all my disorganization and lack of forethought, but I wanted to at least start thinking about how I would make this happen and I had to do something this week.  Hopefully my promise for a really good story next week will wheedle your wonderful, lovely selves to Wordy Wednesday a week from today.

Revision of the List

I made my list on March 1st of 2011. Thirteen days into my list, I had to make a revision. You can read this if you want to know all about my Rubix cube debacle.  At that point, I was a little nervous that I was changing things so soon, but I got over it pretty quickly.  The Rubix cube now officially belongs to Taelin and every once and awhile I find it when I am cleaning and start shaking my head again.  Stupid puzzle.

Since then, number 68 has just been a line of question marks.  It bugged me a bit when I would notice it, but shook it off knowing that at some point I would be inspired by something that I just had to put on my list and that would be that.  And that would have probably been true except that tonight when I was reviewing my list to look at what might be next, I got an unpleasant nagging feeling as I scrolled past two other things on my list.  It was the same unpleasant nagging feeling I have had for awhile every time I scrolled past them.  So...tonight... for some reason, I have decided that my list needed some revising.

First, I suppose I should admit to what I am taking out.  Number 34 and 35 both reference writing letters; one was to be to my mom, the other to my dad.  Without going into the long psychology of it all (which I am sure could keep a therapist busy for months) it just comes down to the fact that I don't want to do it.  This list is about personal growth and enjoyment and I don't think doing either of those things would serve my list's purpose.  So, they are out.  I already feel better.

That being done, I am left with 3 of my 101 undefined.  I was willing to let one float out there unknown, but 3?  Not so much.  So...here are the new (and I think, improved) revisions to my list.

34. Learn a new word every week  (This will be good for me.  Joe is constantly using words that I don't know.  I have thought for awhile that my vocabulary could be expanded, so here is my chance.)
35. Simplify my life in 10 tangible ways (A dear friend once gave me a sign that said simplify...I need to embrace it a little more)
68. Complete the 100 Snapshots Challenge (I am excited about this addition.  I just kind of stumbled upon this and think it will be a great addition for several reasons.)

So, that is what is completely new.

In one final revision (for now), I am reclassifying number 95.  Back in May, I had decided to make Taelin the theme of my A-Z photos.  I even went as far as making an A-Z list and having it taped up on the inside of my kitchen cupboard.  I had started on it, but then lost track of it.  The cupboard that the list was taped in was the one that had to be ripped out because of the fire and when I pulled the list off when I was emptying the cupboard I just threw it out.  For another reason that would keep the same therapist mentioned above even more busy, I really don't want to spend my time with Taelin just taking pictures of her.  I will take pictures when I can, but I am not going to forgo having an experience with her so I can take a picture.  So, while I am keeping the A-Z photography list, I am changing the status from "in progress" to "not started" and will hope that inspiration will strike again for a different theme.

I think that is enough revision for the moment.  And now that it is taken care of, I can go back to scrolling through and picking what is up next!

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

At the beginning of the summer, I had laminated a blank calendar and posted it on the frig.  My purpose for doing that was to not let the summer run away from me.  I always have the best intentions of all the things I am going to do, but also tend to let time pass me by.  I was determined to not let that happen this summer.  We filled that calendar with picnics, trips to the zoo, play dates, our trip to Montana, library visits and more.

A few weeks ago, I realized that there were days coming up on the calendar that said "school today".  That meant that Taelin was going to be going to "school" on those days and I was heading back to work. Taelin and I had a wonderful summer together (partially thanks to my list) and while in some ways I was ready to get back to work, there was a part of me that was sad the summer was ending.  One of the things that I had written on the calendar probably 4 or 5 times was visiting the butterfly garden out past Independence, Oregon.  For one reason or another, our plans changed and I had told myself that we could just go next year. And then I thought...."What if there isn't a next year to go?"

Now, before people get worried, my real thought was "What if the butterfly garden closes and we don't get another chance?" Thinking about it now, there are lots of things that would prevent us from going later.  So, on the last Friday before I had to go back to work, Taelin and I packed a "click click" (or picnic for those of you that don't speak Taelin) and headed off.

It was a bit of a drive out there but totally worth it.  I prepped Taelin the whole way out there that we were just going to look at the butterflies.  We weren't going to touch them.  My imagination had run away with me and I just pictured Taelin pulling wings of a butterflies.  Not in a mean way, but in a I-am-two-and-I-don't-realize-what-pulling-wings-off-of-butterflies-really-means kind of way.  So we talked about how we could look at them and even point at them, but we couldn't touch.

When we got to the butterfly farm, they had a double door thing going on.  You enter one door and let it completely close before the next one opens.  While you are in between the doors there is a person that goes over the rules.  He bent down to talk to Taelin and said, "There are some rules so we can keep the butterflies safe..." and before he could finish Taelin looked up and "Don't touch the butterflies.  Just point."  He stood up and smiled and quickly ran through the rest of the rules and in we went.

The room isn't actually that big, but there was a lot of beauty packed into such a small place.  It had a very warm and humid tropical feel to it and there were huge green leaves and colorful flowers everywhere you looked.  The butterflies just flew around you like you were part of the room and landed wherever they wanted to.  You could get so close to them it was truly amazing.  Taelin was memorized.

She was so good not to touch any of the butterflies.  She would go right up to them, stick her little (but getting bigger all the time) index finger out and say "POINT!".  It was absolutely adorable and the old ladies that were in front of us were laughing at the cuteness of it.  Taelin just wanted to keep going around and around the circular path they had built just racing to get to the next butterfly.  I really wanted her to just stop and look around her and watch as they flew by...but she is two and that wasn't exactly what she wanted.

On our third trip around the path, Taelin started to slow down because she figured out there wasn't anything "new" to see.  In a absolutely perfect moment, she stopped and looked up.  In general she doesn't spend a lot of time looking up, but I could tell in that moment she was soaking it all in.  There wasn't a smile or a frown on her face or even one of wonder, she just "was".  And right at that moment a huge butterfly with bright blue wings landed on her head, right in between her two pigtails.  Her eyes got huge and I whispered to her, "Hold still Taelin.  Hold very still."

She froze for what I am sure seemed like an eternity for her, but in reality was only about 5 seconds.  After slowing flapping its wings a few times, the butterfly flew off leaving Taelin in the same position she had been in when it arrived.  A smile formed from ear to ear and she started to clap her hands.  She was so excited that I could barely understand her when she said, "Mama, the butterfly on my head. I am so happy!"

The moment was exactly that, a small moment in time and she was off to the next butterfly and the line of ladybugs that was crawling along the door frame.  But for me, it was the exact moment I needed.  Parenting a two and a half year old is hard.  It is really hard. There are days I have to dig deep for the patience and understanding. Sometimes I feel like there is no place left to dig.  It can be frustrating and exhausting, I think for both of us.

For whatever reason, Taelin decided to stop and look up at that moment.  It made me wonder how many times I don't stop to look up from the craziness of my everyday life.  It made me wonder what happiness I might have missed.  That thought has entered my mind more than a few times in the last couple of weeks.  Between the fire in the kitchen and the beginning of the school year, my life has been like Taelin running around that circular path stopping only briefly to give something a short glance and move on.  I am so grateful for the lesson that Taelin and that butterfly taught me, it was perfect timing.

As I stop now and think about where my life is, at this moment, I truly feel nothing but happiness.  There are hard parts in my life, just like everyone, that cause stress, sadness or frustration but I am so grateful for my life so far, what I have right now, and the possibilities in front of me.

Don't let your dreams go up in smoke - practice fire safety. ~Author Unknown

It feels like such a long time since I was last able to really write.  The last real post was about my weigh in on the 23rd of August.  It had kind of been a long week (and it was only Tuesday).  Joe was preparing chicken to be fried and I was finishing up my blog post in the other room.

Without any warning, I saw a bright flare coming from the kitchen and heard Joe scream.  I ran to the kitchen and saw a huge fireball coming from the stock pot Joe was using.  I grabbed the small fire extinguisher from the bottom drawer and started spraying.  It didn't seem to be doing anything really.  Joe had recovered from the initial shock of it all, grabbed the extinguisher from my hand and told me to call 911.  I ran back to the living room (through the grease on the floor from when I had first started to spray) to grab my phone and was on the phone with 911 when Joe finally got the fire out.

That all happened in under a minute.

Once the fire was out, our attention turned to the fact that our entire house was filled up with grease heavy smoke and that we need to get ourselves (and the smoke) out.  We started to open some windows but it wasn't long before we couldn't breathe so Joe ran down to get Taelin (who slept soundly through the fire alarm).  We spent the next ten minutes either staying with Taelin or running back into the house to open another window or door.  Neither of us could really open more than one window before we couldn't breath and had to run back outside.  At one point, I think Joe tried to do more but it resulted in him coming outside and retching into the bush in front of our house.

After we got everything open, I frantically called around to everyone I knew that was close-ish to the house to see if there were fans we could borrow.  Luckily, I got a hold of some people and within 30 minutes after they brought fans the smoke was out of the house.  But a lot of damage had already been done.

For dinner that night, we ate ice cream sandwiches and drank the bottle of Merlot that someone brought along with the two fans they had.  By then, it was close to midnight and there wasn't much that could be done.  Joe had spent some time trying to clean, but honestly he was really just moving grease around.  Luckily, because of where the bedrooms are in our house not much of the smoke reached them and we were able to sleep in our own house.

The next morning I met my co-workers for our "back to school" breakfast.  Two of them were people that brought fans the night before and since I was late to breakfast, they had shared the story with the rest of the group.  That is when one of them turned to me and said, "So you called your insurance company right?"
Umm.....nope.  I hadn't even thought of it.  I don't know why, but I hadn't.  So when I got back to the office, I started that ball rolling which prompted a cleaning frenzy I had no idea would exist.

That night, I was cleaning my house to get ready for the cleaning crew that was coming to deep clean the house (I know...cleaning before the cleaners, but it was necessary).  I was mostly just trying to organize the random little piles of things.  I had looked a little more closely at the damage the fire had caused and the reality of what could have happened had we not had that fire extinguisher in the kitchen had started to sink in. Then, as Joe was cleaning off the top of the refrigerator, he handed me a little paper turkey that was made of Taelin's handprints and footprints last year and casually asked me where I wanted to put it.

I lost it.  I just started crying.  Granted I was tired and my stress level was really high.  I had just gone back to work and didn't have any real option to not be there and take care of all this mess.  As I held that little paper turkey, I realized how close we were to losing our house and everything in it.  I said this on facebook, and to many people since, but there is not a shadow of a doubt that had we not had a fire extinguisher in the kitchen that Joe and I would have stood across the street with Taelin and watched our house burn down, along with all of our things.

I don't think I have ever been so grateful for such an ordinary thing as a fire extinguisher.  We were all safe (well, except for the slight burns on Joe's face and the loss of some of his eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair) and things can be replaced, but I am so glad we didn't have to face that significant of a loss.

It has been about a week and a half and the cleaning service that deep cleaned the house from the ceilings to the carpets are done.  The smell is pretty much gone except for the occasional whiff from one of the fans in the bathrooms.  The HVAC system will be cleaned next week.  The melted hood above the stove is gone and the burned cabinet has been torn down and is sitting next to the house waiting for the rest of the kitchen once it is demolished.

I will admit to the fact that I was slightly irritated each day when I came home after having the cleaning crew here.  Things weren't in the right spot and instead of relaxing at the end of a busy day, I felt like I had to put things back together.  I had to make a list of everything that had to be thrown out and will eventually have to figure out the replacement cost of each thing to turn into the insurance company.  I found myself irritated about that too.  The thought of going through a kitchen remodel gives me a headache.  Every time I have started to think these thoughts I catch myself and then get irritated at my irritation.  I am lucky that I have that headache instead of the headache of being homeless. (Can that even be called just a "headache"?)

Human emotions are strange things.  The range of emotions in the last couple of weeks could probably keep a therapist busy for quite some time.

So with that, here is the list of things I am grateful for:
1. the fire extinguisher (if you don't have one in your kitchen, I certainly hope you get one soon)
2. that no one was seriously injured
3. my friends that answered the call for fans at 10:00 pm on a work night
4. the means to have insurance
5. the cleaning crew that did a fantastic job
6. the opportunity to be reminded that everything is fragile

At this point, I would like to officially request the universe give me a break...at least for a little while.  I don't want preferential treatment necessarily, just a moment to catch my breath.  I would much appreciate it.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~Found on a headstone in Ireland

Tuesday marks one year since Joe's dad has died. It seems unreal to think that we have lived a year of our lives without John. I can honestly say that there hasn't been a day in this past year that I haven't thought him.  Most of the thoughts make me smile first, which if you knew him fits perfectly.  Often after the smile disappears though, there is a deep sadness because he is gone.  It doesn't stay for long, but it is there.  Right now, that sadness is staying a little longer.

I have typed at least 10 different sentences where this sentence sits and have deleted every one of them.  There have been so many little moments that were unexpected this year and trying to sum them up feels nearly impossible.  But here is what I can put into words.  I have learned a lot of things this year.  And while I would have preferred to do some of this learning later in my life, I guess I need to try and be grateful that I have some of these lessons to take with me. (Some days I am less grateful than others and I really working on being grateful right now.)

So...what I have learned this year is that....

• Everyone deserves a little grace and the benefit of the doubt.  That guy that cut you off in traffic, sure he could be a giant jerk, but he could also be racing somewhere to say goodbye to someone.  The cranky grocery clerk, sure she could just be a cranky old bat, or she could have been up all night taking care of a really sick kid.  My point is, you just don't know....so why chance it? It doesn't really cost you anything to allow for some grace in your everyday life and at some point you are going to need some yourself.  I am lucky to have the friends and family (and complete strangers at times) that have allowed me some of that grace myself.

• People recall memories not stuff, so make memories.  There hasn't been a conversation in the last year that has revolved around the present John got Joe for his 10th birthday.  But there have been a lot of conversations around things like the way John sang to songs (usually with his own lyrics) or the camping trips that just Joe and his dad went on. Or about the time John and Joe jumped up and down on the rope bridge in Libby which probably cemented my fear of heights or what wicked awesome fried chicken he could make.  You get my point....   So, when asked by Taelin to come dance with her I put down whatever I am doing and (without sounding like a Lee Ann Womack song) I choose to dance.  The list that started this blog is very much about making memories and living my life.

• It shouldn't be a secret that you love someone.  I don't come from a family that said "I love you" on a regular basis...or really at all.  I am not saying that I wasn't loved because I was, but it wasn't outwardly stated and at times when I was younger and even into (actually especially into) my 20's I kind of had to wonder.  So, it took some getting used to when Joe's family started to tell me they loved me even before we were engaged.  But I am so glad that they did.  I don't doubt for a second that John did love me and I know he knew that I loved him.  I don't take for granted what an incredible gift that is.  

While I would have liked to have many, many more years with John in our lives that's not the reality of our situation.  I have done a lot of  "cancer sucks" and "life just isn't fair" in this past year (and I am sure I will again).  Cancer does suck and life isn't fair...those things are true, don't get me wrong.  But Tuesday night, while I am sure there will be tears at some point, Joe and I will be watching Blazing Saddles (one of John favorite movies and quite possibly the most inappropriate movie ever) and eating fried chicken (although I doubt it will be as good as John's).

I love you and miss you very much John.
Jodie