This last Monday, the 25th, was the 1001st day since beginning my 101 list. My second list of 101 things is made and will be shared with you all soon enough. I originally planned on writing this post outlining the things that didn't get done on my first list and give the reasons I didn't get them done. But then, something Taelin did shifted my thinking about what I needed to write.
We were on our way to preschool/work Tuesday and I was trying to gather all the things we needed to take with us; blanket and sheet for rest time, lunch for her, lunch for me, phone/wallet/keys/workbag, etc, etc. With Tucker safely in the garage and the front door open, I tried one-handed to get Taelin's coat on her as I nudged her towards the car. On our way down the sidewalk she suddenly stopped, gasped and exclaimed with a voice of wonder, "Wait! Look at that incredibly beautiful sunrise Mama!"
I had noticed the sunrise about 15 minutes earlier as I was making our lunches and Taelin was brushing her hair and teeth. At that point, it was a beautiful combination of pink and blue and I had stopped for a moment. I hadn't really thought anything of stopping to notice it. Until, Taelin did on our way to the car.
After we stopped together and noticed the colors we saw and how strange it was that it was cold enough to see our breath but still have the sun shining (clearly an Oregon girl and used to cold = cloudy/rainy), we got in the car and in just a few minutes arrived at her school.
It was on the continued drive to work that I realized what this post needed to be about.
When I started this list, 1003 days ago now, there was a blanket of grief covering our lives. We had "made it" through the first holiday season without John. His absence was felt every single day by the pictures hanging in our home, the songs coming through our speakers and the stories we wished we could share with him about Taelin. Man, he adored her. There hadn't been a day that I hadn't cried. A piece of Joe was missing. We were going through the motions of living, but we weren't living. There was no stopping to notice sunrises. It was like we had stopped, not knowing how to go on...not wanting to go on without him.
But something in me knew we needed to. Taelin had just turned two. We needed to go on...without him. So inspired by my brother-in-law and his own list, I made this list and filled it with things I knew I loved to do and things I wanted to do with Taelin. I filled it things that scared me but wanted to try and with places to go. I filled it with things to do for others and things I hoped would help us really live again.
And now here I am. Not missing John any less really. My trip to Boston last week punctuated that. I wasn't expecting to tear up when I arrived at the airport and thought of the last time I had arrived at the same airport the day after he died. I wasn't expecting to tear up on the trolley tour I took as I listened to the guide that said "horse" the same as John did. We still hear songs that make us think of him and wish that Taelin and her Papa would have had more time. No, we don't miss him any less but we did keeping going.
I got 82 of my 101 things done. There are many things I did in the spirit of the list, in the spirit of living, too many to remember really. And I celebrated the last day of my list thinking about my great life; my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, my career, books, music, writing, impromptu dance parties and sunrises.
On this eve of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for all those things and for this list... this list that lifted the blanket of grief and helped us remember to live. The list that helped us to wait and notice the sunrises.
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