Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

There isn't a lot I can say right now for a couple of reasons....

1.  I have a house full of family so finding a moment to write is pretty much impossible.

2.  Taelin is still sick and has had 3 days with no naps and horrible sleeping nights...see #1 for why that might be more difficult.

3. Because of #1 and #2 (with a extra something special from a particular guest that makes up #1), I have not been feeling myself.  It is easy to slip back into less than desirable personality traits which results in some self-irritation about not just being who I want to be.

How is all that for vague?  I want to write more but I know I don't have the time (or mental energy) to process it all.  So, until I get that chance....more conscious breathing...lots of conscious breathing.

farcical: ludicrous, absurd

At the end of tomorrow's workday, March 22nd, it will be the beginning of Spring Break 2012!!!!  Because of that, I would like to call the following pictures (while beautiful) absolutely farcical!!!!!!!

Back porch..where two weeks ago we had a picnic in the sun. 

The grill, where I just made grilled chicken last week, with over 4 inches of snow.

My rhododendron, and the buds that are developing trying to peek through the snow.

You can't really tell, but just Monday I was showing Taelin the leaf buds that were forming.  They are covered with snow.  In March.

Ok....so I guess it isn't all bad....

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones

Apparently when a person turns three they develop a superpower.  Maybe there are a variety of superpowers that are developed, like in the comics.  I don't know and don't really have the time to find out.  I have to save any extra energy I might have to summon my own superpower of patience.  Even sitting here, writing this post, is weakening my defenses.  I will be more vulnerable tomorrow.  I better get on with this...

There have been more than a few deep breaths and/or long pauses in the last few weeks.  Taelin is trying out the word "no" a little more than usual and with a little more force after a simple request had been made.  She is also trying out just plain ignoring.  Both of these strategies are accompanied with some sort of a look.  "No" is usually accompanied with a straight stare and a small smile.  Ignoring, on the other hand, is accompanied by a sideways glance.  Both looks say, "And you are going to now do what?" ***this is where the deep breath and long pause tends to happen***

None of the things that she is being asked to do that elicit these responses are things she wasn't asked to do 2 months ago.  They are simple things like, "Please take this shirt to your blue basket." or "Clean up your tea set before you play puzzles."  They are things that two months ago resulted in "Why sure, Mama!"  or "Ok, I can do that!"

Now before I get too ahead of myself, I do have to say that none of this is really that surprising.  It almost seems like kids were made to test boundaries.  Kids work and act differently in different situations, just like most adults.  Childhood is hopefully where they should learn what is appropriate and when so that when they grow up they aren't giant turds.  What is surprising though, is how freakin' exhausting the constant battle for those boundaries can be.  

I am summoning patience that I never knew I had.  I hope that I can continue to dig to find the patience I need.  My modeling of how I handle frustration is being watched, very closely.  My modeling of holding my ground is being watched, very closely.  My modeling of being flexible is being watched, very closely.  She is watching all the time; watching and listening.

So, if anyone out there knows of some strange radiation or a rare bug that might change my DNA to provide more patience, I would surely appreciate it.  Until then, I am going to be very well oxygenated from all my deep breaths...

Baked Parmesan Tomatoes

I am not a huge fan of eating tomatoes unless it is with a big bowl of pasta.  I have worked my way up to eating them on sandwiches and I no longer ask the waitress at a restaurant to hold them when I order a salad. I really am trying.

One of my latest efforts was a recipe that I, of course, found on Pinterest.  I tried the recipe just as it was found here and I will say that I tolerated it.  I just don't like how slippery feeling the pulp of the tomato is...I think next time I will seed the tomato and I think I will like it a little more.

It was very easy and I will certainly make them again.  Joe really liked them which is not surprising as he can eat tomatoes like I eat apples.  I can't see me making them every week, but they will certainly go in the rotation!

nugatory: of little or no consequence

I like this word.  There isn't really any reason that I picked it for this week.  I was looking at the words of the day from the past week and this is the one that I liked.  

I would like to think I am becoming a little better at letting go of the nugatory things in my life.  I still have a ways to go, but I would like to think that my perspective on what is truly important is becoming clearer.  I am sure that it won't ever be something that I "arrive" at just because my future experiences are sure to change and shape my perspective.  My hope is that with continued and focused work on recognizing the things are are truly nugatory that I will be able to truly let go of them and bring more peace into my heart.

So maybe there is a reason I picked this word after all.  

Tomato Bisque

Every week when I menu plan,  I ask Joe if there is anything he would like for dinner that week.  Most of the time he doesn't have any preferences other than saying "tacos".  (If you read my menu plans every week, you have probably noticed the high frequency of tacos.)  Because of his usual answer, I was more than a little surprised when he said "tomato bisque".  Hmmmm....all right...off to the internet I went.

I found a lot of recipes...most of which were highly involved and while I like cooking I don't really enjoy lots of steps if I can help it.  That being said, I didn't just want to open a can of tomato bisque and plop it on the table.  If you look at the nutritional information on the side of a can of soup you can quickly see why trying to do some of the work yourself is worth it.  It turns out though that opening cans is all I ended up really doing for this recipe.

Ingredients
2 14.5 oz cans of stewed tomatoes (I had never used these before and was surprised that they were so much different than just canned tomatoes.  I think they also had celery, onion and green pepper chunks along with the sliced of tomatoes which definitely added to the flavor.)
1 12 oz can of fat free evaporated milk

Seriously...that is it.


Directions
1. Slightly puree the stewed tomatoes.  I left a little bit of chunkiness to the soup but I suppose you could do it as long as you wanted.
2.  Bring the pureed stewed tomatoes to a boil and then turn down to a simmer.  Stir in the evaporated milk.
3. Serve

I told you I like recipes with very few steps.

Joe ended up adding a little bit of salt to his bowl and I suppose I could have added some to the recipe but Joe adds salt to pretty much everything no matter how much I use in my recipe, so I actually use very little when I actually cook.  He ate a big bowl and said that he liked it...the bowl was empty at the end of dinner.  I tried it and I guess it was fine, but I don't like tomato soup all that much to begin with so I am probably not a good judge.  Joe said it was a keeper so if you like tomato bisque I guess it would be worth a try!

None of the recipes I looked at used evaporated milk...most of them used heavy cream.  It may of tasted better but I don't think Joe cared and I certainly do care about the amount of fat that we are putting into our bodies and using evaporated milk in place of cream when cooking is something I have picked up along the way that hasn't failed us yet.  If you aren't worried about it, then go ahead and use heavy cream.

Many of the recipes also called for fresh or dried basil but I didn't add that because Joe doesn't like how sweet basil makes food taste.  He might be a little picky, but I am just as picky about other food things.  If you aren't....throw some in there.

As an aside, I made grilled cheese sandwiches along with the bisque because I am pretty sure it is the law.   I used some leftover artisan bread with the garlic cloves baked in and used Havarti and colby jack cheeses.  I added roasted peppers and onions to mine and it was incredible!

Anyway, it was a perfect and quick dinner for a dreary, lazy Oregon day!  You will be seeing it again on the menu plan for sure!

aubade: a song or poem greeting the dawn

The week we were in San Diego was an absolute blast and by design it was a break from the normal routine of life.  That being said, it was nice after a hurried week of going here and there that we had the weekend to recovery before heading back to work/school.  We got in late Friday night and luckily Taelin slept in a fair amount Saturday morning.  She was a great little traveler, even on the days she end up missing her afternoon nap, but I knew given the chance that she would take the opportunity to sleep a little extra.

I woke up earlier than I would have liked to this past Saturday morning and was out here in the living room catching up on some of the blogs that I follow, when I wonderful aubade floated down the hallway into my ear.  It was Taelin, who had finally woken up.  She is so funny when she wakes up before we have to wake her up, like on a daycare day. You would think that she would get up and play in her room but she doesn't.  She just sits up in her bed and sings her lungs out.  She isn't singing to anyone in particular I don't think, she is just filling her room with her own voice.  

There are many things that warm my heart when I think about Taelin, but there is very little that can really compare to how I feel when I am listening to her sing when she doesn't know I am listening.  There is just something so pure and innocent about her voice.  It makes me smile to think of the happiness that is in her own heart that she is driven to sing.  Sometimes I just let her sing until she calls for me. (The longest she sang for was 40 minutes before calling for me.) Other times I go in when she is singing and she instantly stops, looking a little embarrassed that she got caught.  

I love my days home with her.  Even the hard ones are filled with so much greatness.  I feel so incredibly grateful to be her mother.

There is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

My heart is feeling heavy tonight.  I got some sad news about a friend of mine this afternoon; news that for her will be life-altering.  I have another dear friend that is finding herself in a life she never imagined and has just started the long journey of change.  My heart hurts for the hurt they are feeling now and it hurts for the future hurt they will feel as they try to carry on.

I feel helpless...mostly because I am.  I feel incredibly grateful for what I have right now in my life and that my problems are small even if they feel big to me.  My work this week is to remember that there is no small act of kindness.  There are but a few things that truly matter; keeping that perspective will serve me well.

Baked Cheese Tortellini

It is only because I am easily going to get my 50 new recipes before my deadline, that I am even counting this as a "recipe".  It was so ridiculously easy that I almost felt guilty serving it at a party...like I was cheating or something.  The recipe I used has 4 ingredients, and that is counting the spray you would use for the pan to prep it for baking.  The orginal recipe called for a few more things that could add some flavor, but I specifically made this recipe for my cousin Scott who is a little more reserved in the flavor department than other most.

Ok....get ready...if you aren't paying attention you could miss the entire thing.

Ingredients:
1 bag of frozen cheese tortellini
1 jar of Alfredo sauce
2 cups of shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions:
1. Cook the bag of frozen tortellini as directed on the package. Drain well and return to the pot.
2. Combine the tortellini with the Alfredo sauce carefully since you don't want the pasta to fall apart.  Once it is combined, put pasta and sauce in a slightly greased casserole dish.
3.  Sprinkle the shredded cheese over the tortellini and baked in the oven for 3o minutes.

See...it was that easy.  The recipe is pretty simple but doesn't have to stay that way.  One could add a bunch of different kind of things like crispy bacon and/or roasted vegetables.  It was good but  I don't know that I will make it again anytime soon. It was just a little too rich and at this point I actually prefer tomato sauce over a creamy Alfredo.  But, it was a crowd pleaser and worked very well as something that was made the day before.

Ok, I am making myself promise that the next new recipe be a little more involved than this one so I can gain some cooking credibility back!  Oh....that could be exciting!

Baked Lemon Spaghetti

For Taelin's birthday party this year, I decided to make three different baked pastas.  My thinking was that pasta is usually a people pleaser and that it could be done ahead of time the day before making the actual party day a little less stressful.  I had other things too like a huge fruit tray and salad with all the fixings, but pasta was definitely the main event.  I did a baked ziti with marinara sauce and a baked cheese tortellini with Alfredo sauce which were both enjoyed by all, but by far my favorite was the lemon baked spaghetti.

This is certainly NOT a weight watcher friendly dish but it was so good I just turned a blind eye for the meal (and will again).  I did change a few things from the original recipe trying to make it a little easier on the body and pocketbook but again my inspiration came from Pinterest.


Ingredients
1 (14.5 ounce) package spaghetti
1/3 cup unsalted butter
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 16 oz fat free sour cream
1 Tablespoon finely grated lemon zest
1/3 cup lemon juice
1/3 cup chopped fresh Italian parsley
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions:
1. Cook spaghetti according to package directions (minus a couple of minutes since you are going to put it in the oven it will cook a little there). Drain spaghetti and place in a large bowl.
2. Melt butter in a medium skillet. Add garlic and cook until sizzling and lightly browned, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove from heat; stir in sour cream, lemon zest, lemon juice, Italian parsley and 1/2 cup of the Parmesan cheese. Pour lemon sauce over the spaghetti and stir.  Once combined, pour into lightly greased casserole dish.
3. Cover dish with foil and bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. After 30 minutes, take dish out of the oven and remove foil and sprinkle 1/2 cup Parmesan on top.  Place dish back into the oven for 7 or 8 minutes, just until cheese is melted and noodles have begun to turn golden in a few places. Serve immediately.

This was a pretty easy dish to make and the flavor was amazing.  Because I wanted to make sure I was serving my guests something that was tasty, I of course tried the dish before I served it.  It was because I did this that I can safely say that this dish isn't really one that is best made ahead of time. When I first made it, it was so incredibly creamy and the next day, while the flavor was still there, the creaminess was not.

I can see myself serving this maybe once a month as a side dish to go with grilled chicken or on it's own with a big salad but it is far too rich to eat very often.  And since the last time I made the pasta it was February, best be putting that on the March menu plan sooner than later!

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it. ~Buddha

A little over a year ago I was feeling a little lost.  I felt like my life was just a series of actions that I repeated day after day.  Work, cook, clean, take care of Taelin, sleep, grocery shop, etc.  They were all things I had to do and only a few of them were things I enjoyed.  I was also grieving John's death and was helplessly watching Joe do the same.  I was living my life but I wasn't living.

And then I stumbled on my brother-in-law's blog which had a secret tab of sorts.  It listed his 101 things to complete in 1001 days.  It looked and felt a little like a bucket list...but without such a final feel to it.  (We had been feeling that feeling enough as it was.)  As I read through his list, I felt like I was getting to know him a little better and was starting to see part of who he wanted to become.  I stayed up for hours that night scouring http://dayzeroproject.com/ and began to create my own list.

Looking at the list now, I can see that many of the things I put on the list were things I used to do but for whatever reason didn't anymore.  Some of them were focused on newer interests I had but needed a gentle push to not give up on them.  Some of them were geared towards self-reflection and personal growth.  Some of them were geared to making me do something that I had never done before.  None of those thoughts were formed enough back then, I was just trying to fill an emptiness that I felt.  The list represented looking ahead to what was next and it was very much needed.

So, here I am. 370 days into my list; just past the year one mark and it seems fitting that I pause for a bit and reflect on the progress I have made.  In technical terms, I have completed 29 of my 101 items.  Of the 72 items that are left, 19 of them are "in progress".  For the most part those are the ones that are "weekly" or "monthly" goals...something that can't really get checked off until the end.  Honestly, I am feeling good about the numbers.

But it isn't quite as easy as just looking at the numbers, I suppose.  The real question of progress can't really be measured in numbers, but rather in feelings.  I say that only because it was how I was feeling that drove my purpose for creating the list in the first place. So then, you might ask....how am I feeling?

First, I can't believe that it has been a year already.  There have been so many wonderful memories about this past year, many of them directly related to the list.  This very blog, for example, is a direct result of my list.  I had wanted to start a blog for some time, just to give me a place to write but didn't have a clue what I could blog about.  It isn't hard for me (most weeks) to find things to blog about and it gives me the accountable for some of the other things that I might otherwise ignore.  Taelin's first picnic, our recent San Diego trip, my new love for yoga (although you may recall the first class was a little rough)...those things and more have been wonderful and have made this year feel "full."

But while this year has been full of wonderful things, this has also been a challenging year.  The kitchen fire which led to a remodel and Joe's back surgery and recovery were definitely big challenges but were all created externally and somehow were easier to manage. This blog gave me a place to vent the hard parts and celebrate the accomplishments, both of which were necessary.

It was the internal challenges though, the ones I created for myself via this list have been the much harder to endure.  For instance, getting to my goal weight...I scratch my head even wondering what more I can write about that here.  I have more posts about my weight loss than any other topic...and I am not much further right now than I was a year ago.  That doesn't make me feel so great.  I have written a little bit about my work and about education and what I suppose could be my disillusionment with several aspects of what it means to be "teacher."  Just thank your lucky stars that I have only found a few quotes that fit how I am feeling about that because otherwise you might just stop coming and reading.  

But for the most part, I am overjoyed and ecstatic with this whole project.  It has put me in touch with a part of me that I had lost and has helped me learn to look outside of my norm and embrace change.  I have shared food with friends at new restaurants, looked for opportunities to show random acts of kindness, read the best book I have ever read, started new Christmas traditions, been inspired by the words of other people and found gratitude in everyday things.  Without this project, none of that would be true.

So, what's next?  I have a list of recipes that I want to try that will take me far and above the 50 I wanted to get to.  There is a stack of books (on the bookshelf and on my iPad) just waiting to be read.  There are vacations that need to be saved for.  There are few skills that need to be learned (cake decorating and and using chopsticks) and some skills that need to be put to good use (there are 3 different photography goals on the list).  There are some easy ones (paying for someone's Starbucks) and then are more difficult tasks ahead (making a scrapbook album for Taelin of John).  I need to keep working on those things I don't like about myself. There is still a lot to get done.

It only seems appropriate to thank you those of you that read.  It helps knowing that you are out there. You are the ones that I envision sitting across from at the coffee shop when I snuggled up here on my couch.  I forget sometimes that you are out there, because you are so quite. But I am quickly reminded that you are there when I run into you out and about or get a email from you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't really know what this list would lead too.  I didn't even really know if I would get that far.  But here I am; I think, a better person for it.  I guess the biggest thing that I have realized is that I need to be an active participant in my own life.  I need to be more aware of what is going on and be aware of how my actions (or inactions) can affect life.  It is up to me how I spend my time and who I spend it with.  We always have choices....always.  They aren't always the ones that we thought we would choose or the ones that others would hope we would choose.  It is up to each of us to make those choices and then be able to live with them.  If I had a glass of champagne I would say "Cheers!  Here is to another year!"

flexuous: full of bends or curves

We are home, safe and sound, from our vacation to San Diego. The sun did finally come out and we had busy and fun-filled days while we were there.  We hit the big ones...Sea World, the San Diego Zoo (check that off the list), a harbor tour...and I think the family favorite...Legoland!

Legoland was on our last day before going home and the sun really did shine that day.  I was fairly unaware about what Legoland had to offer when I started planning this trip but it was perfect for Taelin.  They had a lot of different kinds of rides, many of them with the height requirement of 36 inches.  Taelin's last doctor appointment few weeks ago with her ear infection put her at 35 3/4 inches...so with her tennis shoes she was just fine!

One of the rides was this little (kind of little) roller coaster that I thought for sure wouldn't be something she would be able to do..and I was okay with that.  It was flexuous and whipped around; it just didn't look like something I wanted my little baby riding on.  Joe went to check the requirements and was excited to report that she could indeed go!  (I will admit that I was a little worried about Joe and his back as well....)  Anyway, we went on and Taelin loved it!  In fact, it was the one ride that we came back around to at the end of the day and it is the one she is declaring her favorite.  And with that, I realized that my "baby" isn't so much a baby anymore.