Be selective in your battles, sometimes peace is better than being right.

I couldn't find the person that said these wise words, but it is where I am right now.  I woke up Friday night/Saturday morning in what I think can only be described as a panic attack.  I was on day 4 of the same headache and had taken a new over the counter medication that got rid of my headache but had so much caffeine in it that I felt like I was literally spinning...only I wasn't.  And honestly, it scared the crap out of me.

Saturday I spent the day scrapbooking with dear friends.  I vented, listened, laughed with my friends and the first time all week I felt a little more myself.  I had a great time spending time doing something I love with people I love.  I was scrapping pictures from earlier this year (March and April) and realized something while I was doing the journaling.  I have a really great life.  Like really great life.  And I was letting crap from work spill over into every part of my brain and had been for awhile.  Even when I haven't been at work all my conversations with friends when they ask me how I have been doing have been about how hard work has been since going back.

Thankfully, it isn't all hard though.  I have some great teachers this year and I feel so lucky to work with them.  They energize me so much as I work alongside them.  It is all the other stuff that is hard.  Stuff that I am just not going to go over again because I just need to work on letting it go.

While, there is one thing that was definitely the tipping point this week if I am being honest the other night has been building up for awhile.  I feel like I am constantly not getting enough done.  Like constantly.  And today, I am claiming myself back.

I haven't had enough of the following things in the last few months and I am vowing today that I am getting it back...

*Enough Sleep  It is ridiculous to think that I can do all I am trying to do on less than 6 hours of sleep.

*Healthy Fuel I need to follow the same nutritional standard for myself that I have for Taelin.

*Exercise  I have been to the gym a total of 3 times since mid-August.  3 times.  I can do better and will be going later today once Joe is up.

*Decontamination  I am not talking about my frig (although that could probably use some attention) but I am talking about putting my work bag in the closet when I get home and leaving it there until I need to work. Saying I am not going to bring work home just isn't a reality this year but not walking by it constantly reminding me that I have work that needs to get done can be something I can do. Thank you Michael Grinder. (Hold on a minute while I go and do that.)

*Peaceful Home I need to get back into the routine of having a clean house.  I need to start using the system that has worked in the past so that when I am home I know what I need to do instead of mentally feeling like I am never done.  In order for this to happen, I am going to have to ask for help from Joe and Taelin.  Help that I think they will happily give to get their wife and mother back.  Walking through a clean space vs a messy one will make a HUGE difference.

*Writing  I have said it before and it is so true.  I need to be writing more.  In order to write more I need to make time for it.  I makes such a difference in my overall centeredness.  And while, I think I will keep sharing my photo posts out to Facebook, I think I am going to keep posts like this one, here. When I put it out there for everyone (I know that seems weird to say since I am putting it on the freakin' internet.) it feels less therapeutic for me. I feel like I can be less "me".

*Letting Go Out of all of these, there is not one that is going to be harder for me than this one.  I can only control what is within my control and other people's action are not.  I am so lucky in so many ways I need to bloody remember that.  I think while my "one little word" this year is supposed to be 'grace' I am bring back last year's word, 'peace'.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Unknown

It is funny how some things start to become a habit of mind.  For me, gratitude has become one of those habits.  

When I first wrote my list, I added listing "101 things for which I was grateful".  I remember when I wrote that thinking that it wouldn't take me long to do that.   I mean, I seriously could write a whole list of 101 reasons I am grateful for Joe or for Taelin.  But as I started to think about how I would record this, I realized that my reason for putting this as a part of my list was something other than what I originally thought.  Quite frankly, I needed an attitude adjustment.  

I mean it in the kindest way possible.  We had just spent our first Christmas without John and the emptiness has really started to settle in.  Taelin was sick...all the time.  I was frustrated at work...I had too many people to help and didn't feel like I was doing anything well.  Joe missed his dad and there was not a thing that I could do that was actually helpful.  People got on my nerves more quickly; I am sorry to say but I am sure that I probably thought horrible things about everyone (even you) at some point during this time.  I was irritated, sad, confused and honestly a little pissed off.

Then, when I started working on this list I realized how hard it actually was to be grateful when you weren't feeling like it.  Of course I felt grateful when I didn't have to cook dinner because Joe ordered a pizza or when a teacher cancelled a meeting and it left me with time to do other work. But, if I am honest, I was only really grateful because I got something out of it.  It worked out to my advantage.  

But because of my list I started forcing myself to look for things to be grateful for in what seemed like a place where there would be anything but something negative.  I started to realize that all I was doing to myself before was preparing for the next thing that I would be mad/sad/irritated about.  I was tired of feeling that way all the time.

In the beginning of the list, I actually wrote down the things that I was feeling grateful for; my favorite nail polish color, Taelin sleeping in, fire extinguishers.  But if I look at what was behind each of those there is more of a story. I was forcing myself to see the good and to push away the bad.  My favorite nail polish color was really the fact that I said "No" to something that then gave me more time to actually do something for myself.  Taelin sleeping in was the fact that she was finally feeling better after the third ear infection in a row.  Fire extinguishers...we didn't lose our home.

I don't think my life has necessarily gotten any easier.  Is anyone's really?  There are many things that I can point to that could still leave me mad/sad/irritated...and sometimes they still do.  But there is a new voice inside my head that calms the others before they can get too worked up.  This voice starts every sentence with "Well, thankfully..."  It isn't sarcastic or mean.  It isn't cynical or angry.  It is just there...helping me everyday see what there is to be grateful for.  

I find myself all the time talking or writing using the words like "lucky" or "thankful" or "grateful" and realize that it is just becoming a part of who I am.  It is becoming a part of who I am because it is who I want to be. I am grateful for so many things so many times a day that it would be almost impossible to actually keep a list anymore. It is a mindful action to bring peace and focus to what is truly important; to push aside the things that threaten that peace and focus.  It isn't always easy.  In a lot of ways it is easier to be mad/sad/irritated, at least in the moment.  But it doesn't serve me.  And it isn't easier in the long run.

So, for now I am considering the original list of "101 things for which to be grateful" completed.  But even as I bold those words I know that I am not really "done" with this one.  I will continue to be conscious of being grateful and showing that gratitude through the words on this blog.  I will continue to listen to that new voice in my head and as it hopeful gets stronger and stronger.  For this realization...I am grateful.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

Thornton Wilder

Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty, and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity. ~Lindley Karstens

I sure hope that this quote is true because all of those things sound wonderful.  I grew up having gardens and remember how exciting it was to get the first peas off the vine or pull the tiniest carrots from the ground.  I have been wanted to do some kind of gardening for awhile but between my laziness and using the dog as an excuse, I just haven't done it.  I tried to grow some tomatoes last summer but I think I got them in too late and just didn't get much from them.  

In addition to maybe getting some garden fresh food, I think Taelin and I will have fun gardening.  I am already so looking forward to this summer with Taelin.  We did a lot of fun things last summer, but I think this summer is going to be altogether different.  She is already giving up her afternoon nap and I would guess by this summer they are going to be few and far between.  It will be great to have something like a garden to work on together.

My family just visited from Montana and whenever my dad comes for a visit I try to think up a project for him to do.  He likes having a project...and if I don't think something up then he will find something.  In the past, that something becomes a little bigger than life so I have learned to have something in mind.  This time, it was two raised beds for the background so I can get a little more serious about this gardening thing.

I should have taken some pictures as my dad and sister worked on these two beds, but for some reason I completely spaced it.  They had to work on them in the garage because it rained all week, but three days after they left we had a gorgeous day outside and Taelin and I did a bunch of work in the backyard to get the beds ready to take outside.  Here are some pictures from our day! 

We stopped weeding quite a few times to take a look
 at all the wriggly worms and bugs that we found.

Particularly excited about the bugs that rolled up into
 a ball.  She was about as helpful weeding as you would
expect a three year old to be! But it was SO fun
 to watch how excited she was about each discovery! 

First bubbling blowing of the season!

A "T" for Taelin in sidewalk chalk.
One proud mama here!
(Clearly this has nothing to do with gardening
except for that Taelin was doing this as I was
working in the yard and I took a
picture of it...because I am that kind of mom.) 

Oh...and some raised beds.  They are 8 feet by 1 1/2 feet.
 We have room for more than two but I decided I wanted to start off small.

A closer picture.  They are a little uneven, but they are at
least where they are supposed to be and out of the garage.

I am feeling pretty excited.  I think the next step needs to be figuring out exactly what I want to grow.  I know for sure I want to grow tomatoes, probably cherry, roma, and then some kind of beefsteak-like tomato.  I would like to do green beans too.  Other than that, I am not really sure what I am going to do.  Taelin has declared she is planting flowers (which makes sense since has not really embraced any kind of vegetable).  I think it would be fun to do a strawberry plant or two....  Obviously, I need to work on my plan.  Then I suppose there will need to be a large load of dirt and compost or something....  Ok...I really need to work on my plan.  I think I better close this post up and spend some time figuring some of this stuff out.

Any of you out there have any experience with this?  Any resources I should check out?  Help...anyone?  

Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not. ~Henri Frederic Amiel

Such a timely quote.  Easier said than done.  

I am (by choice) a different person than I was raised to be.  It usually isn't a problem except for when it is.  And usually it isn't a problem for me, but for my parents.  Then I guess in a way it does become a problem, mostly a problem of how I feel about it.  

I have known for some time that I am not the person my mom and dad wish I was.  It is disappointing for them and then I feel guilty for that...and then I get mad that I feel guilty.  I bit of a cycle I suppose.  Thankfully, I don't feel this way all the time, usually only after a visit with my parents.  

My point of this post isn't to go into the details, but rather to let it all go.  Each time, it gets a little easier to deal with.  Each time, I am more sure of who I am.  I have spent the last few days since they left feeling a little down in the dumps about the whole thing...but it ends here.  

So...in the spirit of grace....and peace... 

I am who I am, by choice.  I am proud of who I have become and who I want to be.  I am thankful for all the people in my life who help me realize what it is important.  

nugatory: of little or no consequence

I like this word.  There isn't really any reason that I picked it for this week.  I was looking at the words of the day from the past week and this is the one that I liked.  

I would like to think I am becoming a little better at letting go of the nugatory things in my life.  I still have a ways to go, but I would like to think that my perspective on what is truly important is becoming clearer.  I am sure that it won't ever be something that I "arrive" at just because my future experiences are sure to change and shape my perspective.  My hope is that with continued and focused work on recognizing the things are are truly nugatory that I will be able to truly let go of them and bring more peace into my heart.

So maybe there is a reason I picked this word after all.  

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. ~unknown

A few years ago, one of my good friends told me about her "word" for the year.  I don't even remember what word she picked, but the general idea behind it was to pick just one word that would become your focus for the new year; kind of like a New Year's resolution without the specificity that could potentially lead to a broken self-promise.  It sounded like a neat idea, but for whatever reason I didn't get around to picking a word.

Then the other day when I was reading one of the message boards I frequent, I saw a thread started by someone who was trying to decide what her "one little word" was going to be for the year.  Apparently this concept has been around in the blogging world for awhile, which is probably where my friend first heard of it.  This particular post on the message board has now turned into a multi-page thread where different women are sharing the words they are considering for their word this year. People are picking all different kinds of words for lots of different reasons; focus, gratitude, simplify, healthy, content, smile, adventure, persistence, rebuild...just to give a few examples. Because of that thread, I have started to think that I might need "one little word" this year.

So what might my word for this year be?  Needing a word started me out on a hunt for a quote that might inspire me.  Nothing I found was floating my boat until I remembered that I have a Pinterest board that is nothing but quotes.  I went over to reread some of the quotes that have struck me for one reason or another over the past few months and found a quote and my "one little word" all at the same time.

     Peace. 

It does not mean to be in a place where there is

 no noise, trouble or hard work.  

It means to be in the midst of those things 

and still be calm in your heart. 

~unknown

It is perfect for me right now.  I already know that there are going to be troubles and hard work in this coming year.  I have a toddler. I have a job in a school district that is cutting between 20-25 million dollars.  I have friendships and family relationships that aren't always easy.  I have personality flaws that lead to self-struggle and problems.  There is going to be plenty of noise, trouble and hard work...there always is.

The difference this year though is that I would like there to be a little more calm in my being as I work through the noise and the trouble.  There is a scattered feeling that I can't even really put into words that has seemed to follow me the last few years.  It doesn't get in the way of me doing things, but it certainly leaves me feeling drained and exhausted.  In place of this scattered feeling, I would like to feel more peace.

I looked up the definition of "peace" in the dictionary and there were several.  The first three do a good job of what I am hoping to find more of this coming year.

Definition of peace:

1. a state of tranquility or quiet;

2. freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions; 

3. harmony in personal relations.

I am not sure how I am going to go about acquiring this peace I am looking for.  I think I might first make or find some visual reminders of my word to have in the different spaces I occupy throughout my days.  Also, I don't want to commit to it completely yet, but I am also playing around with the idea of a monthly check-in here, although my guess is that if I truly work on making this word my mantra for the year it will probably pop up here more than just once a month.  I am not really sure, I guess that might be why it will take me all year (and probably then some).

I think for now, I am just going to think about it for awhile.  Luckily, I have a few more days of Christmas break and while there are a few things I would like to get done before going back to work, there isn't anything really pressing.  

Are you interested in joining me?  What might your "one little word" be for this coming year?