When I first wrote my list, I added listing "101 things for which I was grateful". I remember when I wrote that thinking that it wouldn't take me long to do that. I mean, I seriously could write a whole list of 101 reasons I am grateful for Joe or for Taelin. But as I started to think about how I would record this, I realized that my reason for putting this as a part of my list was something other than what I originally thought. Quite frankly, I needed an attitude adjustment.
I mean it in the kindest way possible. We had just spent our first Christmas without John and the emptiness has really started to settle in. Taelin was sick...all the time. I was frustrated at work...I had too many people to help and didn't feel like I was doing anything well. Joe missed his dad and there was not a thing that I could do that was actually helpful. People got on my nerves more quickly; I am sorry to say but I am sure that I probably thought horrible things about everyone (even you) at some point during this time. I was irritated, sad, confused and honestly a little pissed off.
Then, when I started working on this list I realized how hard it actually was to be grateful when you weren't feeling like it. Of course I felt grateful when I didn't have to cook dinner because Joe ordered a pizza or when a teacher cancelled a meeting and it left me with time to do other work. But, if I am honest, I was only really grateful because I got something out of it. It worked out to my advantage.
But because of my list I started forcing myself to look for things to be grateful for in what seemed like a place where there would be anything but something negative. I started to realize that all I was doing to myself before was preparing for the next thing that I would be mad/sad/irritated about. I was tired of feeling that way all the time.
In the beginning of the list, I actually wrote down the things that I was feeling grateful for; my favorite nail polish color, Taelin sleeping in, fire extinguishers. But if I look at what was behind each of those there is more of a story. I was forcing myself to see the good and to push away the bad. My favorite nail polish color was really the fact that I said "No" to something that then gave me more time to actually do something for myself. Taelin sleeping in was the fact that she was finally feeling better after the third ear infection in a row. Fire extinguishers...we didn't lose our home.
I don't think my life has necessarily gotten any easier. Is anyone's really? There are many things that I can point to that could still leave me mad/sad/irritated...and sometimes they still do. But there is a new voice inside my head that calms the others before they can get too worked up. This voice starts every sentence with "Well, thankfully..." It isn't sarcastic or mean. It isn't cynical or angry. It is just there...helping me everyday see what there is to be grateful for.
I find myself all the time talking or writing using the words like "lucky" or "thankful" or "grateful" and realize that it is just becoming a part of who I am. It is becoming a part of who I am because it is who I want to be. I am grateful for so many things so many times a day that it would be almost impossible to actually keep a list anymore. It is a mindful action to bring peace and focus to what is truly important; to push aside the things that threaten that peace and focus. It isn't always easy. In a lot of ways it is easier to be mad/sad/irritated, at least in the moment. But it doesn't serve me. And it isn't easier in the long run.
So, for now I am considering the original list of "101 things for which to be grateful" completed. But even as I bold those words I know that I am not really "done" with this one. I will continue to be conscious of being grateful and showing that gratitude through the words on this blog. I will continue to listen to that new voice in my head and as it hopeful gets stronger and stronger. For this realization...I am grateful.
We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
Thornton Wilder
No comments:
Post a Comment