Words have weight. ~Stephen King

Last Thursday I was sitting in a day-long professional development with different teachers, mentors and coaches from around the district.  There were several groups of people all from the same building which is exciting to see. Teaching, surprisingly, can be an isolating job at times and it is great to see people learning together with the common goal of student success.  Some of the information was new, but much of it was reinforcing things I know or reminding me of things that I have forgotten.  Because of this, there were times that my attention wandered.

During one such wandering, a t-shirt one of the teachers was wearing caught my attention.  I could see the word "succeed" most of all and there was some smaller writing above and below it.  I first looked at the letters above and saw, "If at first you don't".  In my mind, I easily filled in the blanks of what I thought the words would be underneath..."try, try again."  Underneath the entire saying was the name of the elementary school that matched the name the teacher had shared at the beginning of the training.  I went back to reread the entire thing and then realized I had made a mistake in my reading.  What the phrase actually said was, "If at first you don't succeed, you aren't us. ______ Elementary."

Um....excuse me?  

I looked across the table at one of my co-workers and asked if I had really read that correctly.  He smiled and nodded without reading it himself...he had seen the shirt already.  I sat back, astounded, looking again convinced that there was no way that I had read that correctly.  When I looked back, I realized that all three teachers from that school were wearing the same t-shirt.  Bewildered didn't even begin to really describe what I was thinking.  It was obviously a coordinated effort and they were wearing their shirts with pride.  

I tried my best to turn my attention back to the presenters, but I couldn't help but be drawn back to the t-shirt.  I don't think it really surprised me that the sentence existed on a t-shirt.  People change all sorts of known phrases to try to be clever or funny or something...  What surprised me was that a teacher was wearing it.  What surprised me was that there was a school name on it.  What surprised me was there was probably some kind of "vote" on what they should put on their staff t-shirt and that was what they decided was best.

When the initial shock of realizing what the shirt said started to wear off, it opened the floodgate of emotions and thoughts I had.  Even as I sit here and type I am having a hard time even knowing where to start to explain how I feel about it.  

First, I guess I need to think about what that sentence is really saying.  So basically, at that school, if don't succeed at something the first time you aren't a part of them.  And they seem okay with that.  Not just okay, but proud of that.  Apparently they must think being one of them is something pretty special.  They must assume that everyone wants to be a part of them.  Once realizing what those words are meaning, I have to think about who might be reading them.  

I don't think I am making too big of an assumption here that the staff t-shirts are worn by staff at school.  And just to state the obvious...there are children at school.  So, I have to wonder what a child at that school might think about the shirt.  I instantly start to think of former students of mine, very specific memories of the times that those students succeeded.  Many, many times the thing that made their success so sweet for me as a teacher was knowing how hard we (the student and I) worked to achieve that success.  So, when I think about the students in that school I wonder how they feel when they don't succeed the first time?  According to the t-shirt, those students aren't one of "them".  And even if they don't wear them everyday, they are taking that attitude into every interaction they have with a child.  What a disservice...maybe even an injustice.

Then I think about the parents of the children that go to that school. As a parent myself, I have already run out of fingers and toes to count the times where I didn't succeed the first time trying something.  Hell, I ran out of fingers and toes to count on before I even left the hospital just trying to breastfeed.  I can't imagine how a parent would feel talking to a teacher wearing this shirt when I know deep down that almost all parents are doing the very best they know how to do with what they have.  

Then I think about what it would be like if I were a teacher at that school.  At this point, I would consider myself a fairly capable teacher.  I understand how important a organized environment and strong management system is in a classroom.  I understand that my lessons need to be well thought out, engaging and attainable in some way for all my students.  I understand collaboration with my peers and continued learning is critical in this profession.  And do you want to know how I understand all of those things?  Because at some point, in the last 11 years, I did the exact opposite and learned, sometimes the hard way, that all of those things were important.  If I was a teacher at that school though...well...I clearly didn't succeed the first time, so again, wouldn't have been one of them.  

I am angered, disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and confused by that t-shirt.  I am all of those things for many, many reasons.  I am embarrassed for those teachers that think whatever it is the hell they think is the good that might come from wearing that t-shirt.  I also pity those teachers, because at some point, they will realize they haven't succeeded at something the first time they have tried and will apparently find themselves no longer part of the "us" they clearly like to be a part of now.

I struggled the rest of the day trying to decided if I wanted to say something to one of those teachers but I couldn't figure out what I would say.  There is a part of me that is curious about the story behind how those shirts came to be.  I have been trying hard to see the other side of things; broaden my perspective before I make a judgment but I honestly can't think of one story they could tell me that would make me understand why that t-shirt is a good idea.

In another two weeks I will find myself in the same place with the same people for the second session of professional development. I wonder if they will wear their shirts again, like some kind of uniform intended to intimidate the opposing team.  If they do, I don't think I will be able to help myself from saying something.

I don't want to mean or unkind, but would just like to tell them that I am really okay not being part of their "us".  I am who I am because of my successes and failures and the lessons that came from both.  I want to tell them that the students in their classes count on them to be the one person in the classroom that can support them when they don't succeed the first time.  I want to tell them that I hope my daughter's life is not so easy that every time she tries something for the first time, she gets is right.  I want to tell them that it is those exact lessons that will hopefully remind her to be gentle, kind and empathetic to others and will remind her that if she keeps trying she can do anything she wants.

Yeah, I am okay not being a part of your "us".  What a scary and stifling place that must be.