A child, like your stomach, doesn't need all you can afford to give it. ~Frank A. Clark

Today I took advantage of the fact that many of my fellow Oregonians would stay home because of the snow and did all my grocery shopping for the week.  Taelin and I ventured out with our lists for Fred Meyers and Trader Joes with an additional stop to get Taelin a haircut.  Each of the places the same thing happened...which led me here.

Before I get started, I want to fess up to the fact that I know that Taelin has far more than she actually needs. From the toys and books she has to the clothes in her closets and drawers, Taelin is a very lucky girl.  She has a lot of people that love her (which is awesome) and I try hard to resist getting her "stuff" for the sake of getting her something. I will admit that when there is a book order at the front desk of her preschool I am going to thumb through it and probably will get her something.  That being said, we are also very careful not to give into every whim that Taelin has nor do we give in after we say no.  (As a teacher, I have seen the results of kids that bargain their way out of "no"..and I would like to avoid that if at all possible.  They just aren't very pleasant kids to be around for a few reasons.)

So, back to today.  The first store we went to was Trader Joe's.  We just had a few things to pick up there.  (As a side, note their pre-cooked frozen brown rice is YUMMY!)  I think we maybe had 6-7 different things in the cart.  We got through the store pretty quickly and got to the checkout stand.  Taelin helped me put the things on the counter and was holding onto the flowers we had picked out when the check-out lady asked me if she could have a sticker.  I appreciated the fact that she asked me and I turned to Taelin and asked her if she wanted a sticker.  Taelin, not surprisingly, said yes.  I told the check-out lady and asked her to just give her one.  Taelin went around to get the stickers and came back with three.  "I got three!" she yelled.  "She was just too cute for just one sticker," was the reply of the lady.  Taelin thanked her with some prompting from me and we proceeded on to the next store.

At Fred Meyers it took us a little longer to get through just because our list was a little bigger.  And we had one of those huge plastic car carts that are really hard to steer.  Taelin calls it "her lucky day" when we get to the store and there is one of those left...I call it something else.  Anyway, we get to the check-out counter and this lady also offers Taelin a sticker.  Taelin looks at me and I said, "How lucky!  You get another sticker.  Just one please."  The lady then proceeded to hand Taelin two.  "She needs one for each hand Mommy!"

On to the haircut store, where luckily there was no wait at all.  Taelin sat really still during her haircut and as I was signing the debit card slip, the hair dresser says, "Come and pick out a sticker!  You sat so still!"  The well meaning lady gave Taelin the entire box of stickers to look at and I (thinking that it was going to take all day for her to decide) said, "Just pick one Taelin.  We need to take the food home and put it away."  At that point, Taelin quickly found a flower sticker and said thank you.  Then the hair dresser said, "Oh, and you need this Tinkerbell one.  And here is one with a Dora.  You just did so well sitting still."  Taelin took them, I didn't say anything and off we went.

Some people might not necessarily see a huge problem with what happened and in the big scheme of things it certainly isn't a world order problem, BUT there are a couple of things that just irritated me about the whole thing.

First, and foremost, I had said "just one" each time and was ignored each time.  Those nice ladies can think whatever they want about what is "enough" but I had clearly stated my preference and they, each for a different reason dismissed it.  I don't care if other kids have 2, 3 or 10 stickers, but as Taelin's mother I wanted her to just have one.

Second, Joe and I really feel strongly that we don't want to reward Taelin for things we just expect her to do.  We expect her to sit still while getting her hair cut.  It takes like 2-3 actual minutes and she can sit that long.  We expect her to have appropriate behavior in a store and when she doesn't (and she sometimes doesn't) it results in us leaving the store for a time-out in the car.  Every time we have had to do that so far we have been able to return to the store and finish our shopping.

Third...I can't even really get into the third one too far without taking this post way off track.  I don't want Taelin to think that being cute gets her things.  I know...beauty is often rewarded in our society, but I don't have to like it and I don't have encourage it.

Again, I don't really care what other people want to do with their children.  I know that for some people they wouldn't bat an eye and would probably think I have my panties in a bunch.  Fine, but for Taelin I want her to be content with what she has, not always expect more than is needed, and realize that sometimes you just do things because you have to do them not because you get something for doing it. Is that really so crazy? I don't think it is...what you end up with are kids that won't do anything without a sticker, a piece of candy, etc...and when the get sick of those little things, they just up the ante.

I am sure there are things that we will screw up in raising Taelin; there probably already are.  Maybe it bothered me so much because it happened 3 times in a 90 minute period.  Maybe it bothers me because Taelin got so many stickers that she didn't even really pay attention to what happened to them.  (In case you are curious, they are littered across the backseat of my already too messy car.)

Today's experience is giving me a lot of food for thought.  As I already admitted, Taelin is not a girl that wants for anything but I don't think we have gone overboard and provided stuff for her just because we could.  She has asked us for things many times and many times we say no.  We are upfront with her about our reason for it, even if it is a bit more than she can really understand.

Some of the greatest gifts we can give her, that will serve her well throughout her life, can't be packaged in a gift bag or wrapped in a pretty bow.  They aren't going to be saved for a special occasion and they probably, in some cases, will seem like anything but a gift.  (I would imagine that will come later with the introduction of "But blah-blah's mom let's her ________________!")

This road we are on is going to be a winding one.  There will be times were she disappoints us and when we disappoint her.  There will probably be things that we all end up wishing we hadn't said.  There will be things we do that are out of character for all of us, even as we try to figure out who we are as we change in this journey together.  There will be moments we wish would be able to get back to make a different choice.

But, there will also be times of absolute pride, joy and love.  I experience them every day in little ways and feel like it is my "lucky day" every time I do.  I have to believe that the influence the three of all have on each other is bigger than a few stickers from well-meaning people.