The details of my particular story don't really matter. I mean they do matter, but I have beat that horse to death and end up in the same spot so I obviously need to try something different. Everyone has a story. But for me, right now, the story doesn't matter. I could probably write it all out and you all could change a few names and settings and we would essentially end up in the same place-holding onto the resentment of something not being what we wanted it to be.
I think my problem lies within the idea of forgiveness. Growing up, forgiveness was something I was taught to give when someone says they are sorry. So, what happens an apology isn't given? What happens when someone doesn't even really see that an apology is needed? It is like waiting in limbo for something that you know will never happen. Forgiveness comes after the recognition that something was hurtful and needs to rectified but what if that recognition never comes?
I need to own some of this problem. I haven't asked for an apology. I am not really interested in having any kind of conversation, mostly because I don't think it would do any good. Some of the resentment I am holding onto is from things that have happened years ago and are not remembered the same as they are by me. As things along the same vein happen, it is easy for me to just add it to the list of transgressions instead of defending myself now that I am supposedly stronger than before. Can you really teach people to treat you differently than they have in the past? More importantly, I can change the way I treat myself? I guess time will tell.
Heavy stuff, my friend. I think forgiving is possible, maybe even especially necessary, when the person we are forgiving does not own his/her part. Forgiving is good for the "forgiver." It allows you to let go and move on. Often it's two steps forward, and one step back, but eventually moving on. Thing I struggle with on an on-going basis, is what exactly does it mean to forgive??! I have to remind myself, that it doesn't mean to forget or to say that the transgression was o.k. Heavy stuff! Sigh!
ReplyDeleteYeah, kind of heavy, I know. I, too, wonder what it really means to forgive. Any chance you want to drink a coke and need a friend? :) I don't know that we would be able to figure anything out, but we would be less thirsty.
ReplyDeleteJodie
ReplyDeleteGreat post - forgiveness is a really tough thing to master, I don't know that any of us really ever do master it. The good news is that you can decide to forgive someone for a past transgreation even if they don't ask for an apology and then also decide that in the future you don't want to be treated that way and when a new instance occurs, you have the chance to point it out, explain why it isn't ok and give them the chance to recognize that they have hurt you and need to ask for forgiveness. For some folks that realization may never happen even if you point it out, then the hard choice comes to forgive or walk away to make sure the hurt doesn't happen anymore. I wish you luck, I know this is something I struggle with, so if it helps you are not alone.
Of course! Any time!
ReplyDeleteChris-You are so right. How I wish I could gather enough courage to advocate for myself. Maybe one day I will get there... And yes, it does help to know I am not alone.
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