Oh, how I need to remember this quote. I need to write it on sticky notes and put it everywhere; my car, my bathroom mirrors, my refrigerator, my calendar. If I wasn't so bloody afraid of needles, I could get it tattooed on my hand.
I tend to be a big picture person. I can be pretty detailed orientated when I need to be, but am more of a global thinker. This character trait, in many cases, would be seen as a strength. It is important when working within a group of people that there are people that can zoom out and not get caught up in the minute details that often bog down a group. But right now, my "ability" to think globally is not serving me...at all.
We are in an interesting time in public education and specifically, the school district in which I work. I suppose there hasn't ever really been an uninteresting time in education, but right now there seems to be some particularly interesting things going on. Without going into all the details of what I have been thinking about (ha...details of a big picture...I am screwed), I just want to say that often times I feel very powerless. I am paralyzed by the fact that there is SO much to do and less resources to do it with; I feel like I don't even know where to start. Then there are other times, the times that I am working really hard to make a difference and I feel like it doesn't. I really don't know which is worse. What I do know, is that neither feels good.
After a particularly odd experience today where I found myself unable to complete a sentence in front of one of the Assistant Superintendents of our district because I started to cry, I felt like I was just ready to give up. And, in a way, I think I might need to.
I don't think I need to give up completely and start applying at Starbucks (although I have made that "joke" more than I probably should), but I think I might be on to something. One of the things that probably should have made this list, the 10 things that I don't like about myself, but didn't is that I tend to see things in black and white; all or nothing. I know in my heart that isn't true, but in times of distress it is like I go back to default. In this case, maybe if education can't be what I want it to be I just need to quit. Quitting clearly isn't an option (or something I really want) but I think I do need to "give up" on a few things.
What I realized today is that I have amazing co-workers. When I couldn't finish my sentence today, someone jumped in for me and said the exact thing I wanted to say myself. Later after I gained some composure, I went on for way too long to try to make a point but luckily another co-worker followed up with his own point that punctuated mine. After the meeting, I rambled some more and they all listened, all of them. Nobody made me feel more crazy than I already did or like I was over-reacting. They shared kind words that told me I wasn't the only one that felt the way I did and gave me their outsider's view and some things to think about.
In addition to a great support at work, I can't forget Joe. He has been asking me for days if I am okay; that I seem out of sorts. I start to try to process and it just comes out in one big mess. He just lets it be the mess it is...and asks me more questions the next day. I say one thing one day and I completely contradict myself the next. He wants me to happy, nothing more and nothing less. I am a lucky lady
So, I have made a decision after today. I am not quitting. I have too much to offer. But, I am going to give up just a little bit. I am going to give up trying to have all the answers to the problems I see. I am going to give up just seeing the problems. I am going to give up being blind to the fact that I make a difference everyday to someone at work. I going to give up the fact that difference needs to be a big one. I am going to give up needing to know what next year might bring...or even next month...and just look at one day.
This post has been written and rewritten, with different quotes as the title and different emotions as the body. To be honest, rereading it makes me sound like one big hot mess and almost makes me not want to publish it. It sounds like I need some sort of medication or at least a swift kick in the pants. But I am giving up on it for now too. I need to get to bed because I have a big day tomorrow. I need to go do something tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment